Four days of super high (105!) fever for the little man forced me to the edge. It's amazing though- as a mama you just sort of DO it. Looking back, that was seriously one of the hardest weeks! Which shows me how blessed I am in life if CHICKEN POX is one of the worst things I've been through. But, it was really really really hard. And I think it was MORE difficult than it needed to be because I was already not taking care of myself.
As a mother, we always put everyone else's needs ahead of our own. But what do we do when our tank is empty? When we feel like there is nothing more to give? Oh, that's right, we give some more. We empty ourselves. Such an amazing thing, that mamas just seem to have this endless supply to give.
But it was at the expense of myself. A little bit.
Self care. Two very important words for mamas. That get pushes aside so often. But when you are carrying around a 30lb 14 month old everywhere, nursing them, getting up with them in the middle of the night, when you are additionally caring for an amazingly awesome, vivacious 3 year old (we all know what little tornados 3 year olds can be sometimes), it just wears you thin sometimes!
I realized that since my yoga training has been over I've ONLY been getting babysitters so I can teach yoga. It's easier to ask when you are REQUIRED to go to 5 yoga classes a week than if you just *want* to go. And my practice as seriously suffered. Become practically extinct. If yoga and I were dating, yoga would have thought I was giving him the cold shoulder. Yoga would have thought I was intentionally ignoring him as a means to get rid of him.
THANKFULLY yoga is not a guy. And my practice is always there when I come back to it. Just like God! Such beautiful parallels. I went to my first yoga class last night as a student in, I am ashamed to say, probably 4 months. Yoga accepted me back and embraced me fully. As my head came down to the earth and my feet floated up to the ceiling in a headstand, I felt peace. I felt a little piece of myself returning. I felt surrounded by the peace of God once again. I felt at home in my body. The teacher even made a comment about the girl who was smiling during class (me). And my great attitude. Ha! He didn't know what it took for me to get there tonight. If he only knew how grateful I was for being able to finally BE A STUDENT AGAIN. I always try to smile through difficult poses, hoping that in the difficult parts of life I will be able to smile as well. But, I think last night I was mostly smiling because I was HOME. And afterwards I felt like I could go back and be a better mom and wife too.
I think we gotta fight for what we need sometimes. For me, it means fighting with myself. When the kids are finally to sleep I want to just lay back on the couch and do nothing. Or I want to get the laundry folded and the dishes washed. But do either of those things give me the satisfaction of a nice sweaty yoga class? No, not really. So, if on Tuesday and Thursday nights the dishes are not done because I went to yoga instead? Well, that's okay. My kids won't remember the sink being full of dishes when they are grown, but they will remember their mama being present with them. A mama whose tank wasn't perpetually empty. And if I model good self- care, maybe they will take care of themselves when they grow into busy adults someday.
And for the record, my dishes are usually clean. Laundry put away? No comment.
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