Things never to say to a family with a sick kids:

Today in Sunday school we talked about suffering.  My lovely and wise husband said something that we've discussed together in the past.  About how lots of times people (who mean well, don't get me wrong) say things during your suffering to make themselves feel better.  They feel awkward and so they try to put their own theology on the problem.  When June was in the hospital on a ventilator we got so much love and support!  Amazing.  But I did learn what things to NEVER say to someone with a sick or dying child.  My friend, Kristin, posted a fabulous post about this a while back when she lost her daughter to stillbirth and it's stuck with me... and now I've experienced it first hand.  May it help you as it's helped me to simply BE with others amidst their suffering.

Okay, here is my list:

1. "Remember that whatever happens, she was never yours to begin with"

This one hit me hard.  She IS mine, God gave her to me.  Entrusted me to be her mom.  This really was a not helpful thing to say, EVEN if I believed it to be true.  When your child is FIGHTING FOR HER LIFE I want to hear people say they are sending healing prayers, not "whatever happens" prayers.  I don't know if I can adequately express how upset this one made me.  

2. "this is part of God's plan"

Really?  God CHOSE to give my daughter a heart that doesn't work right?  What... to teach me a lesson?  Sounds pretty cruel to me.  Again, EVEN IF I BELIEVED IN THIS THEOLOGY it would NOT be the time or place.  I personally believe that sucky stuff happen in our world.  I believe that God can USE these crappy situations for our growth, for God's purpose, etc.  Glory in the storm.  BUT I don't find it helpful to here that He gave a sickness to my child.  There is a verse somewhere in the Bible that says "Jesus wept."  Why would he weep for suffering he himself had created?

3. "God's plan is perfect"

Yes, it is.  BUT because he gave the world free will... that means suffering must be part of the picture.  Not because he wants it to be and he can work through it for his plan... but I don't think he "waved his magic wand" and said "I'm giving this baby a heart defect."  Maybe he saw it was going to happen and set us up in a way to deal with it and to bring glory to him through it.  I like to think that God comes alongside those who suffer, suffers with them, cries with them, carries them when needed.  And again.... saying this to someone who is maybe praying SO HARD for healing just feels like undermining their deepest desire.  People need hugs, love, prayers, "this sucks" maybe.  They don't need theology during times of despair.

I know there are a lot more things you shouldn't say.  But, I want to focus on what TO say:

1. Nothing.  Silence is just fine.  Maybe a hug.  Even saying something like "there are no words" is great.  Because really... what can you say?  It makes me feel like people, though maybe they've never been there, understand the enormity of the situation.  I like how my husband puts it "be okay to be awkward."  Maybe you feel weird just BEING with someone.  Maybe it would make YOU feel better to say something theological.  But don't say something to justify it in your own mind.  Be willing to just be with someone, even if it feels awkward.  Maybe this one is easier to me, who has been with people going through the intensity of childbirth... I've held them and their space during one of probably the most intense times of their lives (and that doesn't exactly relate because childbirth isn't suffering unless you let it be.... but it is still intense, even if in a beautiful way).

2. "I'm here for you" or "I'm praying for you" or "what do you need?" are great.  Even if I don't need anything, it's nice to know that you'd be willing to bring me Chipotle if I needed it while in the hospital.  Or that you would be willing to watch my kids, clean my house, bring me something.  Or if you can't, that you are with me in spirit and sending love from afar.  Seriously, if I needed absolutely nothing it's still good to know that if I did, you'd be there.  I'm one of those people who HATE asking for help and have a really hard time accepting it from others.  So offer it, don't make me ask.

3. "This sucks" or however you like to phrase it.  This may not always be appropriate, but I'd rather now that you see how hard this is than hear WHY you think it's happening.  When you go through really hard stuff I think it's sometimes helpful to realize that, yeah, I'm not just being dumb.... it really is a hard thing!!  When I'm being neurotic about my sick babies every breath and coloring that seems off it's nice to know that I'm not being ridiculous.... that it's NORMAL to be this way right now.

4. "you are doing a great job."  When I feel as if my world is crashing, the walls crumbling in on me if I am holding it together... let me know!   I wouldn't say this to someone who is seriously a hot mess because I think they'd know it wasn't genuine, but if it feels genuine and you really think someone is rocking it... tell them!  Encourage them!   Of course still give permission for them to be a hot mess if they want to.... sometimes it's good to just LET GO.  But acknowledge the little things accomplished in a genuine and non-annoying and overboard way.  Someone told me how good I looked when we were in the hospital.  With a tiny cold shower every few days, hardly any sleep, crazy emotions, and having JUST given birth... it did feel good (again, it felt genuine.  If you don't really think it, don't lie because people see through false compliments, at least I do!)

 

May this help you relate to others who suffer or are going through something difficult!  Now, DON'T come compliment me just because it says something about it in this post.  Or I'll punch you ;-)  (kidding.... kind of)