Michael Franti is like crack

Well... I guess I don't have any experience with crack, but my kids can both be screaming, whining, and bugging each other like crazy people and as soon as I turn on the song "Say Hey (I love you)" I see the baby start to bob up and down and the preschooler start to bust a move.  I start to dance around the house singing loudly.  Every stress of a morning of grumpies melts away.

Seriously, try it.  It's amazing.  Maybe it's more like magic than crack.  But either way, it's freaking awesome.

Not ashamed to say I put it on repeat some mornings.  (much to the dismay of my husband who says I listen to the same songs over and over... and over).

Self care.

There is nothing like a week with a chicken poxy little one year old to punch you in the face and say TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF MAMA!!!  

Four days of super high (105!) fever for the little man forced me to the edge.  It's amazing though- as a mama you just sort of DO it.  Looking back, that was seriously one of the hardest weeks!  Which shows me how blessed I am in life if CHICKEN POX is one of the worst things I've been through.  But, it was really really really hard.  And I think it was MORE difficult than it needed to be because I was already not taking care of myself.

As a mother, we always put everyone else's needs ahead of our own.  But what do we do when our tank is empty?  When we feel like there is nothing more to give?  Oh, that's right, we give some more.  We empty ourselves.  Such an amazing thing, that mamas just seem to have this endless supply to give.  

But it was at the expense of myself.  A little bit.  

Self care.  Two very important words for mamas.  That get pushes aside so often.  But when you are carrying around a 30lb 14 month old everywhere, nursing them, getting up with them in the middle of the night, when you are additionally caring for an amazingly awesome, vivacious 3 year old (we all know what little tornados 3 year olds can be sometimes), it just wears you thin sometimes!  

I realized that since my yoga training has been over I've ONLY been getting babysitters so I can teach yoga.  It's easier to ask when you are REQUIRED to go to 5 yoga classes a week than if you just *want* to go.  And my practice as seriously suffered.  Become practically extinct.  If yoga and I were dating, yoga would have thought I was giving him the cold shoulder.  Yoga would have thought I was intentionally ignoring him as a means to get rid of him.  

THANKFULLY yoga is not a guy.  And my practice is always there when I come back to it.  Just like God!  Such beautiful parallels.  I went to my first yoga class last night as a student in, I am ashamed to say, probably 4 months.  Yoga accepted me back and embraced me fully.  As my head came down to the earth and my feet floated up to the ceiling in a headstand, I felt peace.  I felt a little piece of myself returning.  I felt surrounded by the peace of God once again.  I felt at home in my body.  The teacher even made a comment about the girl who was smiling during class (me).  And my great attitude.  Ha!  He didn't know what it took for me to get there tonight.  If he only knew how grateful I was for being able to finally BE A STUDENT AGAIN.  I always try to smile through difficult poses, hoping that in the difficult parts of life I will be able to smile as well.  But, I think last night I was mostly smiling because I was HOME.  And afterwards I felt like I could go back and be a better mom and wife too.  

I think we gotta fight for what we need sometimes.  For me, it means fighting with myself.  When the kids are finally to sleep I want to just lay back on the couch and do nothing.  Or I want to get the laundry folded and the dishes washed.  But do either of those things give me the satisfaction of a nice sweaty yoga class?  No, not really.  So, if on Tuesday and Thursday nights the dishes are not done because I went to yoga instead?  Well, that's okay.  My kids won't remember the sink being full of dishes when they are grown, but they will remember their mama being present with them.  A mama whose tank wasn't perpetually empty.  And if I model good self- care, maybe they will take care of themselves when they grow into busy adults someday.  

And for the record, my dishes are usually clean.  Laundry put away?  No comment.     

Breakfast for dinner.... saves me from the grocery monster attack.

Never thought to whip the egg whites for my buckwheat pancakes before!!  Perfection.  I separated them from the yolks and whipped them until they formed stiff peaks, and then carefully stirred them back in.  It makes my pancakes fluffy!

And yes.  We did have blueberry pancakes for dinner last night.  Mainly because it's all I had to make.  But a little breakfast for dinner never hurt anyone.  And breakfast is so much more fun to cook than dinner!!!

Bonus is saving all my leftover pancakes and warming them up in the oven this morning for a super fast breakfast.

And nobody complained about having pancakes for two meals in a row.  Oh, except the baby who decided he wanted to eat butter for breakfast.  Yep.  Just butter.  And I let him.  

Happy Birthday, sweet husband

Today is my husband's 27th birthday.  He is, of course, spending it the way he always spends his days.... CRAZY busy.  BUT.   The kiddies and I made a trip out to the co-op this morning to pick him up an extra special lunch:  sushi, the rawest of raw fish I could find roll, his favorite "special drink"(aka the expensive drinks at the co-op) Guayaki yerba mate, and some scrumptious gluten free cake with amazing buttercream frosting.  Yeah... I had planned to cook for him, but with a 13 month old who is rather fond of throwing things away (or in the toilet, as in MY CELL PHONE) and generally reeking havoc on the house and destroying things while I try to cook, I decided that if there ever was a time to buy food instead of make it.... it would be TODAY.

Even though he is busy, my husband has this amazing ability to get through it all.  He has this amazing ability when he is NOT working or has a spare minute, to just totally relax.  To forget about his to-do list and be present with the kids.  With me.  With his video game.  Seriously, I am the 'guy' who is always distracted by something else when he is trying to talk to me (okay, the 13 month old throwing my shoes away IS sort of a good excuse, but still...).  He is the one who stops everything he is doing to talk to me or play with the kids.

I learn so much about life from being married to this special dude.  This guy who is completely opposite of me in so many ways, but is so freakishly similar to me in others.  We strengthen each others strengths and we expose each others weaknesses (in a good way... because if they aren't exposed how can we work through them, right?).

So, I wish this man of man a very wonderful birthday and I look forward to celebrating the next 50+ of them with him.

And I promise to cook some of the birthday dinners.  Just not this year.

Cranky kids are the best teachers.

You know it's been one of those weeks when your 3 yr old yogini lays down and uses her yoga mat as a blanket through an entire kids yoga class.  Seriously, this is the chick that is normally bounding around the room like a frog, soaring like an eagle, barking like a dog and howling in her upward facing dog.  But today?  She rested.  She knew what she needed.

I'll say now, what I say whenever one of my kids is loosing control in public.  "It's tough to be *insert age of child.*"  

It's the truth, isn't it?  Wouldn't it be hard to not have the impulse control to do what you know you should be doing?  To have SUCH STRONG EMOTIONS ABOUT EVERY THING.  I try not to say "it's no big deal!" (actually what i say is "It's no biggie smalls" because I am strange like that)  to my 3 yr old because every time I slip and say it she says, "(((YEAH))) biggie smalls!!"  And she is not lying.... whatever is making her loose control really is a huge deal to her.  And who am I to tell her that it is insignificant, right?  So I *try* (yet often fail) to tell her that it's okay to be upset/sad/mad/frustrated (but that it is not okay to hit me, scream in my face, or otherwise use her anger or frustration to hurt others or destroy things) and we aaaaaalways come back to the breath.  We take a nice break from whatever is frustrating or enraging and we take our 3 nice deep breaths.  And usually we are good to go after that.

Ever notice how short your breath gets when you are stressed or frustrated or angry?  Or giving birth maybe?  I remember my breath seriously being THE most important thing in my last birth.  It was my anchor and it carried me through.  I used it to push my baby out.  I used it to calm myself.  I focused on it and everything else just melted away.  So I teach my kids how to take deep breaths when they need to calm themselves down.  My 3 year old will FIGHT it if she's really really mad.

"NO.  I will ((((NOT))))) take 3 nice deep breafises"

Ahhhh.  But when she finally decides she is ready to, it's a thing of beauty to watch her whole body change.  From tense to calm.  From angry to a bit more serene.  Deep breaths are such a beautiful thing.  Such a great way to stay present, don't you think?

Which brings me to the title of this post.  My kids are such great teachers.  It's like I am on this 18 plus year intensive training or something.  I learn so much from them.  And so much about myself.  Just like in marriage, it's like a freaking full length mirror into my inner struggles and weaknesses.  For real.  I notice how I react to stress, sleep deprivation, grumpy children.... and the serene and calm woman I want to be doesn't always come out in those moments!  We've had many moments of grumpiness today.... the kids have both been up way past their bedtimes the last few nights.... so today I learn to return to my breath.  To take some time if I need to.  I watched my 3 yr old loose complete control of herself, flopping around like a fish (don't you sometimes feel like doing that when you're upset?  I would injure myself for sure.) and just screaming.  Then (with a bit of reminding from me) I watched her take herself someplace away from her brother and I and take her deep breaths and recover from it.  She used the tools she's been given in yoga!  I love seeing her do this, and it reminds me to do the same in moments of stress.  I hope this is a tool that she will continue to use throughout her life.      

And, of course, there is always chocolate.  That works too.

Slow down, life.

Lately, I feel like my life is on fast forward.  My baby is now walking.  My first baby is now in preschool two mornings a week.  And dance class.  And swimming lessons.  Oiy.  It just seems like I woke up and all of a sudden I'm a mom, a wife, a yoga instructor.... all these things I've always wanted to do, but wait!  When did I become an ADULT?!  I feel like just yesterday I was this awkward teenager who spent too much time making her hair stick straight every morning, hadn't a clue how to put makeup on (still don't) and didn't exactly know how to talk to boys without coming off as overly flirtatious and giving them the wrong impression.  Now I am halfway through my 20's and a mom of 2.  

I realize I did start my mama journey sooner than some.  What can I say?  I met the right guy when I was a senior in high school, got married the summer after my freshman year of college, and got baby fever before I had even graduated with my Bachelor's degree.  But it all worked out.  It took me a while to conceive my first child, I graduated from college, and I had the chance to sort of 'grow up' with my husband, so it's been wonderful thus far.  But WHOA.  Slow down, life!!

I say in my prenatal yoga classes often that we live so much of our lives from the neck up- thinking, planning, worrying, analyzing.... but in yoga and birth we are freed to just let go and live from the neck down.... intuitively, in the moment.  Because you can't spend your birth looking forward to the next contraction (or pressure wave, if you're a hypnobabies mama like me).  I learned in my births that you really have to just BE in the moment, with the sensations and pressure.  And I think this parallels life so perfectly.  While it's not a bad thing to dream and look forward with anticipation to the next step, we have to make a conscious effort to really live in the moment.  To bloom where we are planted.  I like to think that every situation I am put in I am put in for a purpose and if I choose, I can not just bloom, but bloom WILDLY and BEAUTIFULLY there.  But it's always a choice.  I can choose to just say "oh it'll be better when.... we have more money/own a house/aren't in school/kids are older/etc" or I can choose to say "these are the best years of my life (or maybe even, well this kinda sucks BUT...), I am going to fully enjoy where I am at NOW." 

This is something I need to tell myself.  Over and over.... and over.  When my firstborn was little I was always always looking forward to the next developmental milestone.  OH, things will be more fun when she can do talk, walk, put on her socks.  The second time around I took the opposite (but no better) approach.  Oh, things are so easy now, slow down little buddy, don't you start crawling yet, don't you start walking yet.  Leave it to Lindsay to go from one extreme to the other.  My husband is always making funny of me from switching the heat in the car from all the way hot to all the way cold and never putting the dial someplace in the middle.  

But there has to be some happy medium place where I can enjoy my kids, and just my life in general in the current state of affairs.  So, I guess this blog is my never-ending journey there.  Just as in yoga when we loose our focus we come back to our breath, and back into our child's pose.  This blog will be my child's pose, of sorts.  A place to come back and check in, maybe add a silly story or two, because after all... what is life if you can't laugh, especially at yourself.     

I don't know if I'll have any readers, or if this'll just be my own little public but not known about journal. But I am HOPING it's something I can actually keep up, unlike knitting, or scrapbooking, or doing the laundry.  

Have a beautifully present day,

Linz