Dwelling on it.

I watch her as she sleeps.  Her little chest going up and down.  Faster than it probably should.  Sweat beading on her forehead, soaking the blanket beneath her sweet little head.  Always so sweaty.  Will that change once her heart will fixed?  Or will she always be my sweat baby?

Every little noise that I hear from that cheap 6 year old baby monitor  causes me to bolt up the stairs to check on her.

How did I become this mom?  It's funny... even with my first baby.  Even when it's "normal" for moms to worry with that first baby.  Googling every little rash or cry.  I never seemed to be that way.  I remember a remark from a pediatrician early in my first child's life that we were so LAID BACK for first time parents.

There was not at ER visit until my 2nd child was over a year old.  (Not saying that that is the hallmark of a laid back parent, but it was a combo of luck and not overanalyzing things).

Of course this laid backness gives me some guilt now.  So laid back that I did not notice my newborn looking a bit off?  Would any mother of noticed?

I still think I am *mostly* a laid back mom.  Of course I still feel my heart skip a beat when I can't find the 3 year old who has gone out the front door..... again.  And I am still majorly stressed out with worry over the baby, who undergoes open heart surgery in a mere 10 days.

I am nervous for my oldest, who is going to kindergarten (FULL DAY kindergarten) starting tomorrow.  Are we making the best choice sending her (commence another guilt fest)?  Will she enjoy her days there?  Will she be overwhelmed or more content?

I feel guilty that she and her 3 year old brother are not getting my attention like they should.  I am going to be gone as far as they are concerned, for probably 2 weeks after only 1 week of being in school for the oldest.  I am going to miss the 3 year olds first day of preschool, orientation.  Making the 5 year old her lunches, hearing about how her day went.  Tucking them into bed at night.

But I know what I am doing is important and I know my older 2 will not fault me for leaving them for a few weeks.  I know it's hard for them to understand what is going on, but at the same time... they KNOW.  So wise.  So intuitive.

What else am I nervous about?  So many things.  So many that most days I try just not to think about it. Focus on something I *can* control.  Like cleaning the house (or attempting to with 3 littles afoot.... HA!) .

BUT, like I talked about in my prenatal yoga class on Sunday, it's important to face our tigers.  Name our fears.  Get them out, rather than stuff them down.  One mom shared that she was not good with pain and that she was "trying not to think about it."  I think that's what I'm doing with this upcoming surgery.  I'm trying not to think about it.  But, it is coming whether I think about it or not.

So here is a short list.  I already mentioned some of my fears with my older 2.   Here are a couple of my fears in addition..... (this list is definitely in all inclusive... I feel like this list is always growing and changing)

~Not being able to hold my baby for a few days, a week, who knows how long.  We co-sleep, I wear her in a sling quite a lot, we breastfeed on demand.  She is very used to being with mom.  Whenever she cries I attend to her.

~Seeing her cry with the ventilator still in.  This was the WORST thing last time.  To not be able to *hear* the cry but to be able to tell that it was happening.  Those eyes.  Those scared, 'help me' eyes.  Unable to hold her and comfort her.  The only thing I'm able to do is to tell her it's okay and stroke her head and make shushing noises.  Seriously.... rip my heart out.  To know my baby is scared and probably in quite a lot of pain.

~Which bring me to another one.  The pain.  I can't imagine myself as an adult getting my chest opened.... what the pain might feel like to a little tiny baby who can not TELL us that she needs more pain medication or let us know how it feels to know if something is wrong or if it's "normal" pain.  And as a mom you just never ever ever ever want your children to have to experience pain.  And she is going to have to... possibly without having her coping tools of breastfeeding or getting held all at the same time.

~My baby going on bypass.  That her heart will be able to start beating again afterwards.  That there will be no long term effects.  That her brain function will be preserved.  That she'll be able to breathe again on her own afterwards.  That the surgery will be successful.  That the surgeons will be able to fix her.  That she won't need another open heart surgery sometime down the road.  That she will not die.  Or be in such a state where she'd wish she had.  I know this sounds so morbid.... but these are real fears and possibilities with what she is going to be going through.

~All the rest of my fears seem to pale in comparison to all the big ones I just listed.  Like feeding... will she be able to breastfeed after?  How soon after?  When will I get to hold her?  Will she have long term emotional effects to this event (already listed all the scary long term physical and intellectual fears....)?

That's all I can muster up actually typing up right now.....  if I let myself dwell on it for too long I kinda start freaking out.  It's hard enough to breathe without actually DWELLING on it.      

Life.... keeps on keeping on.  Despite my frequent Facebook posts and comments, I am actually not near a computer very often.  I have a smart phone now and it's been my lifeline.  I know people probably make fun of how 'connected' I am, but I mostly just stay at home all day every day (like, don't get in a car or leave the house ALL.DAY.LONG.) so Facebook is sort of like my only way to talk to other adults most of the time.  My kids are ridiculously awesome, but sometimes it's nice to talk to others.  And I have really awesome friends who I don't get to see that much because they are busy parenting THEIR children so it's kind of a really good way to feel both normal and connected to my tribe a little bit.

So, when I am pumping or sometimes when I am nursing or when for the few minutes at a time I have nobody that needs me desperately, I am often on my phone.  It's kinda bad though so I am going to try to just take those moments to just BE and not feel the need to connect with others so often.  BUT I still love taking photos of my life so I'll still be on instagram frequently, I'm sure!

June is doing okay.  It's funny... people ask me ALL the time "How is she doing?" and I'm never quite sure what to respond with.  Being the optimist that I try to be I say "fine" or "good!" or maybe it's just because I'm not sure they want to whole shpeil (HOW do you spell that word?!) about her medical stuff.  I'm not lying either because she really IS doing good.  She is meeting milestones (ROLLING like a crazy lady!) 'talking' and interacting with us.  Growing sweeter by the minute, it seems.  She is having a bit of trouble with nursing, but it's just because her congestive heart failure is increasing and so the cardiologist has upped her meds and added one in hopes of getting her to have less symptoms, and I think she is eating more as a result.  Perhaps because she doesn't have to work as hard to nurse?  Not sure, but I am trying to pump as well, since I know she is not taking in a great deal and I don't want to have my supply tank as a result.  But it's pretty hard to find time to pump with 3 small children constantly vying for my attention.  The other day I nursed for a MINUTE and then had to desert my pump on the chair for a few hours.... haha.  I guess a minute is better than NOTHING.

I can't decide when would be better for June's open heart surgery.  Now- as she is over 10lbs and that's good the cardiologist says, or later... her congestive heart failure is increasing, her heart is increasing in size, but the cardiologist says if she is still gaining weight than we wait... do we wait so long that she has another episode that lands her in the hospital and needing EMERGENCY open heart surgery?  Or do it now while she is still doing well.  I really don't know!!  Also a bone to throw into the mix is the fact that my BABY SISTER is getting MARRIED in October.  I want so desperately for us to be able to go to the wedding (BE in the wedding) as a family.  For June to be there with us, for me to go.  If she has her surgery now or in a month will she be ready in time?  Will she be exposed to too many germs?  Or if we wait what if she needs the surgery RIGHT before or DURING the wedding time?  What if we're still in the hospital during it?  Obviously June's health comes first, and my sister totally knows that and understands.  But, maybe it just makes me mad that we have to deal with this at all.  June shouldn't have to go through this crap.  It's a load of "poor us" that I don't do very often.  I know it'll all work out how it is supposed to, but as I tried on my bridesmaid dress yesterday I got a twinge of sadness about the whole situation.... and how we had planned for our cute little baby to come with us, be dressed in a little tutu, have a teenage girl follow me around for the day watching June for us.... maybe it'll still work out like that.  Who knows.

Anyway... there is our little update.  We're actually doing really really well all things considered!!  I'm even doing okay, so far, with Matt being out of state all week!  It *is* only Monday, but I am putting the intention out there for a REALLY GOOD WEEK and it's worked so far.  Bed times have been easier than they normally are for Matt.... the kids must know mama needs it :-)