I watch her as she sleeps. Her little chest going up and down. Faster than it probably should. Sweat beading on her forehead, soaking the blanket beneath her sweet little head. Always so sweaty. Will that change once her heart will fixed? Or will she always be my sweat baby?
Every little noise that I hear from that cheap 6 year old baby monitor causes me to bolt up the stairs to check on her.
How did I become this mom? It's funny... even with my first baby. Even when it's "normal" for moms to worry with that first baby. Googling every little rash or cry. I never seemed to be that way. I remember a remark from a pediatrician early in my first child's life that we were so LAID BACK for first time parents.
There was not at ER visit until my 2nd child was over a year old. (Not saying that that is the hallmark of a laid back parent, but it was a combo of luck and not overanalyzing things).
Of course this laid backness gives me some guilt now. So laid back that I did not notice my newborn looking a bit off? Would any mother of noticed?
I still think I am *mostly* a laid back mom. Of course I still feel my heart skip a beat when I can't find the 3 year old who has gone out the front door..... again. And I am still majorly stressed out with worry over the baby, who undergoes open heart surgery in a mere 10 days.
I am nervous for my oldest, who is going to kindergarten (FULL DAY kindergarten) starting tomorrow. Are we making the best choice sending her (commence another guilt fest)? Will she enjoy her days there? Will she be overwhelmed or more content?
I feel guilty that she and her 3 year old brother are not getting my attention like they should. I am going to be gone as far as they are concerned, for probably 2 weeks after only 1 week of being in school for the oldest. I am going to miss the 3 year olds first day of preschool, orientation. Making the 5 year old her lunches, hearing about how her day went. Tucking them into bed at night.
But I know what I am doing is important and I know my older 2 will not fault me for leaving them for a few weeks. I know it's hard for them to understand what is going on, but at the same time... they KNOW. So wise. So intuitive.
What else am I nervous about? So many things. So many that most days I try just not to think about it. Focus on something I *can* control. Like cleaning the house (or attempting to with 3 littles afoot.... HA!) .
BUT, like I talked about in my prenatal yoga class on Sunday, it's important to face our tigers. Name our fears. Get them out, rather than stuff them down. One mom shared that she was not good with pain and that she was "trying not to think about it." I think that's what I'm doing with this upcoming surgery. I'm trying not to think about it. But, it is coming whether I think about it or not.
So here is a short list. I already mentioned some of my fears with my older 2. Here are a couple of my fears in addition..... (this list is definitely in all inclusive... I feel like this list is always growing and changing)
~Not being able to hold my baby for a few days, a week, who knows how long. We co-sleep, I wear her in a sling quite a lot, we breastfeed on demand. She is very used to being with mom. Whenever she cries I attend to her.
~Seeing her cry with the ventilator still in. This was the WORST thing last time. To not be able to *hear* the cry but to be able to tell that it was happening. Those eyes. Those scared, 'help me' eyes. Unable to hold her and comfort her. The only thing I'm able to do is to tell her it's okay and stroke her head and make shushing noises. Seriously.... rip my heart out. To know my baby is scared and probably in quite a lot of pain.
~Which bring me to another one. The pain. I can't imagine myself as an adult getting my chest opened.... what the pain might feel like to a little tiny baby who can not TELL us that she needs more pain medication or let us know how it feels to know if something is wrong or if it's "normal" pain. And as a mom you just never ever ever ever want your children to have to experience pain. And she is going to have to... possibly without having her coping tools of breastfeeding or getting held all at the same time.
~My baby going on bypass. That her heart will be able to start beating again afterwards. That there will be no long term effects. That her brain function will be preserved. That she'll be able to breathe again on her own afterwards. That the surgery will be successful. That the surgeons will be able to fix her. That she won't need another open heart surgery sometime down the road. That she will not die. Or be in such a state where she'd wish she had. I know this sounds so morbid.... but these are real fears and possibilities with what she is going to be going through.
~All the rest of my fears seem to pale in comparison to all the big ones I just listed. Like feeding... will she be able to breastfeed after? How soon after? When will I get to hold her? Will she have long term emotional effects to this event (already listed all the scary long term physical and intellectual fears....)?
That's all I can muster up actually typing up right now..... if I let myself dwell on it for too long I kinda start freaking out. It's hard enough to breathe without actually DWELLING on it.
Tuesday, August 28, 2012
Monday, August 13, 2012
Life.... keeps on keeping on. Despite my frequent Facebook posts and comments, I am actually not near a computer very often. I have a smart phone now and it's been my lifeline. I know people probably make fun of how 'connected' I am, but I mostly just stay at home all day every day (like, don't get in a car or leave the house ALL.DAY.LONG.) so Facebook is sort of like my only way to talk to other adults most of the time. My kids are ridiculously awesome, but sometimes it's nice to talk to others. And I have really awesome friends who I don't get to see that much because they are busy parenting THEIR children so it's kind of a really good way to feel both normal and connected to my tribe a little bit.
So, when I am pumping or sometimes when I am nursing or when for the few minutes at a time I have nobody that needs me desperately, I am often on my phone. It's kinda bad though so I am going to try to just take those moments to just BE and not feel the need to connect with others so often. BUT I still love taking photos of my life so I'll still be on instagram frequently, I'm sure!
June is doing okay. It's funny... people ask me ALL the time "How is she doing?" and I'm never quite sure what to respond with. Being the optimist that I try to be I say "fine" or "good!" or maybe it's just because I'm not sure they want to whole shpeil (HOW do you spell that word?!) about her medical stuff. I'm not lying either because she really IS doing good. She is meeting milestones (ROLLING like a crazy lady!) 'talking' and interacting with us. Growing sweeter by the minute, it seems. She is having a bit of trouble with nursing, but it's just because her congestive heart failure is increasing and so the cardiologist has upped her meds and added one in hopes of getting her to have less symptoms, and I think she is eating more as a result. Perhaps because she doesn't have to work as hard to nurse? Not sure, but I am trying to pump as well, since I know she is not taking in a great deal and I don't want to have my supply tank as a result. But it's pretty hard to find time to pump with 3 small children constantly vying for my attention. The other day I nursed for a MINUTE and then had to desert my pump on the chair for a few hours.... haha. I guess a minute is better than NOTHING.
I can't decide when would be better for June's open heart surgery. Now- as she is over 10lbs and that's good the cardiologist says, or later... her congestive heart failure is increasing, her heart is increasing in size, but the cardiologist says if she is still gaining weight than we wait... do we wait so long that she has another episode that lands her in the hospital and needing EMERGENCY open heart surgery? Or do it now while she is still doing well. I really don't know!! Also a bone to throw into the mix is the fact that my BABY SISTER is getting MARRIED in October. I want so desperately for us to be able to go to the wedding (BE in the wedding) as a family. For June to be there with us, for me to go. If she has her surgery now or in a month will she be ready in time? Will she be exposed to too many germs? Or if we wait what if she needs the surgery RIGHT before or DURING the wedding time? What if we're still in the hospital during it? Obviously June's health comes first, and my sister totally knows that and understands. But, maybe it just makes me mad that we have to deal with this at all. June shouldn't have to go through this crap. It's a load of "poor us" that I don't do very often. I know it'll all work out how it is supposed to, but as I tried on my bridesmaid dress yesterday I got a twinge of sadness about the whole situation.... and how we had planned for our cute little baby to come with us, be dressed in a little tutu, have a teenage girl follow me around for the day watching June for us.... maybe it'll still work out like that. Who knows.
Anyway... there is our little update. We're actually doing really really well all things considered!! I'm even doing okay, so far, with Matt being out of state all week! It *is* only Monday, but I am putting the intention out there for a REALLY GOOD WEEK and it's worked so far. Bed times have been easier than they normally are for Matt.... the kids must know mama needs it :-)
So, when I am pumping or sometimes when I am nursing or when for the few minutes at a time I have nobody that needs me desperately, I am often on my phone. It's kinda bad though so I am going to try to just take those moments to just BE and not feel the need to connect with others so often. BUT I still love taking photos of my life so I'll still be on instagram frequently, I'm sure!
June is doing okay. It's funny... people ask me ALL the time "How is she doing?" and I'm never quite sure what to respond with. Being the optimist that I try to be I say "fine" or "good!" or maybe it's just because I'm not sure they want to whole shpeil (HOW do you spell that word?!) about her medical stuff. I'm not lying either because she really IS doing good. She is meeting milestones (ROLLING like a crazy lady!) 'talking' and interacting with us. Growing sweeter by the minute, it seems. She is having a bit of trouble with nursing, but it's just because her congestive heart failure is increasing and so the cardiologist has upped her meds and added one in hopes of getting her to have less symptoms, and I think she is eating more as a result. Perhaps because she doesn't have to work as hard to nurse? Not sure, but I am trying to pump as well, since I know she is not taking in a great deal and I don't want to have my supply tank as a result. But it's pretty hard to find time to pump with 3 small children constantly vying for my attention. The other day I nursed for a MINUTE and then had to desert my pump on the chair for a few hours.... haha. I guess a minute is better than NOTHING.
I can't decide when would be better for June's open heart surgery. Now- as she is over 10lbs and that's good the cardiologist says, or later... her congestive heart failure is increasing, her heart is increasing in size, but the cardiologist says if she is still gaining weight than we wait... do we wait so long that she has another episode that lands her in the hospital and needing EMERGENCY open heart surgery? Or do it now while she is still doing well. I really don't know!! Also a bone to throw into the mix is the fact that my BABY SISTER is getting MARRIED in October. I want so desperately for us to be able to go to the wedding (BE in the wedding) as a family. For June to be there with us, for me to go. If she has her surgery now or in a month will she be ready in time? Will she be exposed to too many germs? Or if we wait what if she needs the surgery RIGHT before or DURING the wedding time? What if we're still in the hospital during it? Obviously June's health comes first, and my sister totally knows that and understands. But, maybe it just makes me mad that we have to deal with this at all. June shouldn't have to go through this crap. It's a load of "poor us" that I don't do very often. I know it'll all work out how it is supposed to, but as I tried on my bridesmaid dress yesterday I got a twinge of sadness about the whole situation.... and how we had planned for our cute little baby to come with us, be dressed in a little tutu, have a teenage girl follow me around for the day watching June for us.... maybe it'll still work out like that. Who knows.
Anyway... there is our little update. We're actually doing really really well all things considered!! I'm even doing okay, so far, with Matt being out of state all week! It *is* only Monday, but I am putting the intention out there for a REALLY GOOD WEEK and it's worked so far. Bed times have been easier than they normally are for Matt.... the kids must know mama needs it :-)
Tuesday, July 17, 2012
The day we discovered June's heart defect.
It was 10 days since I had given birth to my 3rd child. My husband had started back at work after giving me a beautiful week to just rest and breastfeed while he took care of the older 2 children and the meals. It was glorious.
The day started like the last 10 had. Breastfeeding a sweet baby. Drinking in that amazing newborn smell. Getting up earlier than I wanted to because she needed me. As did the other two... rushing into our bedroom with boundless energy as they do every morning. We laid in bed as long as we possibly could before getting up. The baby in between us. An almost 3 year old snuggled up into daddy and a 5 year old trying to give the baby as many kisses as she could manage while talking to her in a baby voice, “Oooooh June you’re soooooo cute!” Matt and I working to shield the baby from any craziness from the rambunctious 2 year old “Jasper, let’s try to be gentle with the baby” as he picks up her arm and kisses it with gusto. Oh 2 year olds....
Finally, it’s time to get up. The day must begin. I look at the clock and it’s not even 7am yet. Groan....Yawn..... Matt gets himself ready for work and I shuffle down to the main level, babe in arm. I’d been upstairs for more than week now and it felt a bit odd coming into the main level of the room after being camped in the bedroom for so long. I realize that many cultures women stay in bed MUCH longer than this... but I was proud of myself for not trying to do too much too soon and actually resting for those days.
My doula friend Nicole was planning to come over and play with her children, but she texted me to let me know that her 2 year old seemed to be sick so she was going to have to cancel, but she was still going to bring me dinner. With one arm holding a sweet newborn, I took to one handed picking up the house a bit while the older kids ate their breakfast. How could I have forgotten what it was like to do everything that needed to be done with just one hand? I checked facebook with one hand standing at the counter. I turned on a pandora station and the kids and I had a dance party. We were having a very good day! June even let me set her down in her bouncy seat!! I was so amazed that she’d let me set her down for periods of time, as she’d been pretty fussy (but not out of the range of normal) that first week. I started to think that maybe I was going to be okay with taking care of 3 on my own while Matt was at work!
I was so engorged! I had been ever since my milk had come in and I figured it was because I had such an oversupply of milk, like I did with all my babies. Definitely never a problem with producing enough!! It seemed like June was more fussy than normal when I tried to breastfeed her. I just kept trying, figuring that she was just mad because I had SO much milk and she was getting too much at once. I knew that eventually my milk supply would even out so I didn’t worry about it. She didn’t seem to cough or choke on it at all, but she did keep unlatching. She had a strong latch though, so I wasn’t worried.
Nicole came and dropped off a meal quickly. We chatted briefly, as her children were out in the car with the car still running.... she smiled at sweet June, who was sitting in her bouncy chair. I commented on how good the day was going.
I got a call from my mom. She was going to stop by. She got here just before Matt got home from work for the day. I asked him if he could run to the bank before it closed to deposit some checks I’d been putting off depositing for so long because of having just given birth (I good excuse I’d say!). While he was gone, mom was holding June and remarked that she was probably being stupid, but her color seemed a little off. She turned on a light to see, as it was kind of dark in our house that day. She let June fuss a bit. She asked me if she had been crying at all and I told her that I always picked her up right away when she got fussy so of course she hadn’t been screaming that day. My heart kind of sunk a little bit and I felt a bit worried. My mom is not known to be a huge overreacter about health stuff, so I figured I should listen! She asked me to find my stethoscope and I did and she listened to June’s heart and respirations. Apparently she thought she was breathing a little fast and her color looked a bit off. She seemed normal to me, but then I did notice that she was breathing a bit fast and not crying very much, more just making little fussy sounds instead. I told her how she’d actually let me set her down today and I had been noticing her being different (not bad different, just different....). “If I saw this baby at work I would ask someone to check her” she remarked. As a seasoned labor and delivery nurse, she saw tiny babies all the time. She kept apologizing for making me worry and I kept saying “No, it’s fine!” Obviously it was fine, but I was still worried!! Pit in my stomach. Ughhhhh. I quickly looked up our new doctor’s office phone number. We had just been in days earlier to get June’s metabolic screen, but our doctor didn’t have any availability and we saw a different one. I never have sick kids AND it was a new clinic.... who the heck do you call after hours anyway?!I didn’t know what to tell them the symptoms were, so my mom wrote me a list. When they answered I gave her the phone instead as I figured she’d be better able to explain. She annoyedly talked to the guy on the phone “No.... my baby is not excessively crying.” and again she’d list the symptoms including respiratory rate and other medical sounding things in a way I wouldn’t have been able to convey as effectively. Finally the guy, obviously with no medical training, and my mom ended their conversation and she told me that someone would be calling me back. She then called my grandfather, her dad, a retired medical doctor (ob/gyn perintologist to be exact) and told him the symptoms and asked her if she was being dumb/overreacting by having us go to the ER, as she had earlier suggested. He said no, and also recommended that instead of going to the nearby hospital, that we just go straight to Children’s hospital.
I am describing this all in great detail, but it really took not a whole lot of time. Mom took the kids and Matt and I took June and headed out. I quickly looked up the address to Children’s hospital on his phone as he started driving. Of course the car was on empty, so we had to get gas. I was nervous, even though I truly DID think that she probably would be fine. So I told Matt to just fill up as much as we needed to get there, not to wait for the whole minivan tank to fill. So we filled up some and left. I was acting a bit worried and frantic and I think Matt was worried too because he took a wrong turn out of the gas station and got all turned around. I think he told me to calm down at least half a dozen times on the trip there. I can’t! I’m so worried. Ahhhh- traffic! Ahhh- this car cut us off! Ahhhh- you’re driving too fast/too slow/it’s too bumpy. We were both a bit agitated and I was sitting in the back looking right at June and making sure she was fine the whole way there. And finally, after rush hour traffic (of course, right?) we made it and drove straight to the appropriate parking lot so that we could walk right into the ER. If you know us and our horrible directional sense (both of us... it’s a sick joke...), it’s a bloody miracle (yes, I’m British now. Deal.) that we made it right there without wandering around downtown for a bit.
We signed in and took our seat. I got June out of her carseat. She was pretty fussy and I was feeling.... I’m not sure what. Surreal. I stand a bounce and pat her butt. “Shhhh Shhhhh SHHHHHH Shhhh Shhhhh SHHHHHH” repeated rhythmically with the butt pats. We were probably overreacting but I was glad for going in ‘just in case.’ I was trying to go through the day in my mind and figure out if I had somehow missed something. I didn’t think I had. It was a normal day, she was just less fussy than normal. I had chalked it up to her finally starting to get used to being ‘out in the world.’
“June McCoy?” The nurse called our name and we walked into a little cubicle where they attached a pulse oximeter onto her tiny toe. After what seemed like only a few seconds the nurse quickly detached her from her machine and walked us very briskly into another room. I think she just said “follow me” and nothing more.
Suddenly, we were in a very large and bright room. June’s clothes were off and she was on a huge, adult sized hospital bed with people surrounding us. A doctor introduced herself and asked me a lot of questions, none of which I remember anymore. Oxygen mask on her. Stickers attached to her chest, monitors being looked at, stats being read. Doctor puts stethoscope to her chest. “Heart Murmur.” she announces. More questions. Nurses and doctors talking to each other, trying to figure out what to do, orders given and carried out. I am comforting my upset baby lying there while they poke and prod her. “We are going to give your daughter *insert medication name* to try to *insert medical explanation*” Okay. They get an IV in and give her the med and it does nothing. Stats drop. That must not be the problem. Why is nothing working, what is wrong with her heart! She is screaming and I am holding the oxygen mask over her tiny little face, we try to put her pacifer inside the oxygen mask to try to get her to stop screaming. She starts to turn blue as she is screaming. A nurse tried dipping the pacifer in sugar water to try to make her suck on it and not just scream. I’m not really into that idea, but obviously I want my baby to stop screaming so she won’t be blue and mayb her stats won’t be so low.... pulse ox is lower than I’ve ever imagined possible. Her chest is rapidly rising and falling. The sugar water doesn’t help.... she’s mad. I’d be too. I’m standing next to her shushing and trying to comfort her in any way I can without actually holding her. Talking to her. Matt is texting my mom, his mom, people who should know. Standing near me. I glance at him and we both look so worried, so confused. There are really no words to say to each other. We’re on auto-pilot. She is given various medications to try to help her out of her acute state. An echo is done of her heart. First we hear she has an ASD, hole in her atrium. That’s not such a bad problem I hear, then we find out she has a VSD, hole between the ventricles. They keep saying different things, not sure exactly what the problem is but it’s clear to me now that my baby is very very sick and something is wrong with her heart! Is she going to die? Ever be normal? What does this mean? These questions flash through my head but mostly I am numb. Thoughtless, almost. Texting as fast as my fingers will let me. Not sure why I needed to do that. The texting. What it would accomplish. It’s something to do in a situation where there is nothing I can do, perhaps. We watch her stats.... so worried. Matt says “Oh my gosh, that is so low, come on baby” or something to that extent. We’re trying to talk to her trying to get her to get better somehow. We are both watching the monitor and looking at each other is disbelief as the numbers keep looking low and they keep trying to do things to get them up, unsuccessfully. People surround her, we need to move away. The cardiologist is looking at the echo, assessing the situatoin. He is a pediatric cardiologist, Dr Gremmels. He draws us a picture of a heart on a piece of paper. We had already been made to back up. I hear them say they are intubating her. “Oh no!” I think. I’ve only ever seen one baby intubated and that had been hard and hard to get over. I know just enough medical terminology and procedure names to know that this is not good at all. My whole body feels strange. A feeling I can not describe. My jaw is clenched tightly and I am tapping one of my feet up and down on the floor. He is still talking, still drawing. I’m trying to pay attention to him while my baby is surrounded by tons of medical people in the same room. I half succeed, knowing this information is important. He explains that when her heart formed the walls “here” (as he is drawing) did not come all the way down or up. Making one big (I cringe at the word big) hole that extends through the atrium and the ventricle. He said that some call it two holes- but that it’s really just one big one. Ugh, that word. Big. Nobody wants to hear it. Big wad of cash? Yes. Big hole in the heart? Not so much. He also explains her valves. She has one big one instead of 2 little ones. How is the possible? Is this genetic? How did the ultrasound less than a week before birth miss this (In reality I find out later that this is only caught *maybe* 50% of the time prenatally. And I am grateful I did not know... but that's another story altogether)? Is she going to need surgery? Yes. He says this is fixed with open heart surgery. Blow to the chest. My breath is tense. Pastor Kerry walks into the large, bright room. How does he know we’re here? We’ve been here less than an hour. 10 minutes? I have no concept of time. It feels as if time is standing still. He stands next to us. I think maybe Matt gives him a hug (note: He was the senior pastor at the church Matt worked at for the past 5+ years and Matt had just recently started his roll at a new church). Maybe words are exchanged, maybe not. I can’t remember. I’m still texting madly. Everytime we are told something new. I can’t even remember which people I was texting. My mom, one of the midwives from our birth, my mother in law.... I think that’s it?
I look at my baby. Cords everywhere. Something breathing for her. Ohmyword. I can’t breathe and I feel numb. Autopilot. You’d think I’d sob hysterically. You’d think I’d scream. I do none of those things. I stare at her. Shock and disbelief. Matt is the same. We are like empty shells of people. If he had cried I might have. If I had cried he probably would have too. But, we both just ARE. That’s about the extent of it. Shells.
We follow them as they wheel her down the hall and into an elevator. Will we fit in the same one with all those meds, people, big bed with teeny tiny limp baby on it?. We do. Do I touch her? Is she stable? These things I can not remember. Was I even allowed to touch her yet? I am thinking no. These are the details of the day I’ll never remember. Shells of people have a hard time remembering. She must’ve been somewhat stable if we’re wheeling her up, right? I’m worried about the ventilator. The only time I hear about ventilators is the “taking the off the ventilator’ as in letting them die. I assume she is on life support. My baby can’t breathe on her own. I am so shocked, this is so unreal, I feel like I am in a nightmare. I’m going to wake up and this is not going to be real. I feel a little floaty... so maybe I really AM asleep.
We are on the pediatric cardio floor. She is laying on her bed, sedated on a ventilator. We are ushered into the family waiting room down the hall. She needs a central line put in and it is a sterile field. We sit in the waiting room with Pastor Kerry. Matt and he discuss theology. Matt is trying to keep his mind off things. If he talks about what is going on I think he would’ve lost it. This is good. He needs to talk, I need to be quiet. I drink ice water from the water machine. Go to the bathroom. Ask a nurse if I can pump. I realize now that it’d be quite a long time since I had nursed, and besides she hadn’t nursed well all day. Matt and Kerry stay in the waiting room and I pump in the pumping room. The nurse shows me what to do and tells me that they’ll order me my own pump so that I can pump in the room later on. How long are we gong to be here? My thought is a long time. As I am pumping, I look at my texts, one of the midwives wants me to call and update, so I call her. We talk about what is going on. She reminds me that I need to make sure that I get ALL my questions answered. If I don’t understand something, I need to ask. As we are talking and I am pumping, I have to turn the pump off because I have completely filled both bottles. I comment to the midwife, Jeanne, that I just filled the bottles completely! She asks me if I have more there to use, but I figure that the engorgement is gone and they feel mostly empty so that’s probably enough pumping. I want to know when they’ll be done with the *whatever they’re doing* (central line, I know now... then I just knew it was sterile). I hang up with her and go check on things... they’re still working. Matt is still discussing theological things. Pastor Kerry prays for us. I keep teary eyed during the prayer and kind of choked up. But I don’t loose it. We thank him. Eventually he says goodbye after I think hours of just being with us in whatever way was needed. How kind of him. Seriously.
Eventually after what seems like forever (definitely the longest part of the night so far!) we are allowed back into her room. Oh, she looks so tiny on that huge bed. So lifeless. So horrible. So many beeping sounds, monitors, heart waves and lines on screens, meds pumping through tubes into her. Do we have any questions? I ask about the ventilator. So she can’t breathe at all and if we took her off it she would die? I don’t know what I ask or what their answers are. A female cardio doctor (who is apparently also on our team... so many doctors!) asks us if we have ANY more questions to which Matt replied “Yes, do you know where we could get some food?” “I think she meant about June,” I say. It’s probably 2am by that point and we haven’t eaten dinner. I don’t know what she says, but Matt orders Pizza Luce to be delivered. He is hungry. He tells me later “It’s not like you can’t ask the pastor where the bathroom is... she asked if I had any questions.” Oh Matt. But really, he was hungry and we were numb. I get it. You do what you gotta do. I eat one bite of his pizza, but I can not eat. Eventually Matt lays down on the couch. It’s too small for both of us to fit and he is bigger so I tell him to take the couch and I will sleep in the rocking chair. I comment that I am used to sleeping in weird places curled up in a ball... I’m a doula afterall. Fitfully we eventually both fall asleep. As a side-note, the couch actually pulls out into a bed. We tried to pull it out, since I knew this to be the case in maternity wards, but we gave up and nobody seemed to offer to help us (they were busy with June, so it’s totally fine!!!) so I figured maybe it was different in this hospital on this floor so we slept how we slept. Fitfully.
Thus ending the worst day of my entire life. The days that followed were no picnic either. I wanted to write a record of this day so that I could remember it. No parent should ever have to see their child go through something like this. I found it interesting that neither of us cried. Not once. The first time I cried was when she was off the ventilator, not sleeping and me not sleeping. I had received what’s called a “prayer shawl” by some beautiful members of our new church, Elim, and I wrapped it around myself laid down, and just sobbed. So unfair, so hard to see my baby going through this. How is a baby going to have open heart surgery. Please God, she can not die.
Anyway, this is not the whole story, of course, just the story of this day. This day of days.... this day that I don’t want to forget and also wish I didn’t have to remember. We went from one of the best days, her birth.... her easy, joyous, amazing and beautiful birth to this. In less than 2 weeks. Crazy.
The day started like the last 10 had. Breastfeeding a sweet baby. Drinking in that amazing newborn smell. Getting up earlier than I wanted to because she needed me. As did the other two... rushing into our bedroom with boundless energy as they do every morning. We laid in bed as long as we possibly could before getting up. The baby in between us. An almost 3 year old snuggled up into daddy and a 5 year old trying to give the baby as many kisses as she could manage while talking to her in a baby voice, “Oooooh June you’re soooooo cute!” Matt and I working to shield the baby from any craziness from the rambunctious 2 year old “Jasper, let’s try to be gentle with the baby” as he picks up her arm and kisses it with gusto. Oh 2 year olds....
Finally, it’s time to get up. The day must begin. I look at the clock and it’s not even 7am yet. Groan....Yawn..... Matt gets himself ready for work and I shuffle down to the main level, babe in arm. I’d been upstairs for more than week now and it felt a bit odd coming into the main level of the room after being camped in the bedroom for so long. I realize that many cultures women stay in bed MUCH longer than this... but I was proud of myself for not trying to do too much too soon and actually resting for those days.
My doula friend Nicole was planning to come over and play with her children, but she texted me to let me know that her 2 year old seemed to be sick so she was going to have to cancel, but she was still going to bring me dinner. With one arm holding a sweet newborn, I took to one handed picking up the house a bit while the older kids ate their breakfast. How could I have forgotten what it was like to do everything that needed to be done with just one hand? I checked facebook with one hand standing at the counter. I turned on a pandora station and the kids and I had a dance party. We were having a very good day! June even let me set her down in her bouncy seat!! I was so amazed that she’d let me set her down for periods of time, as she’d been pretty fussy (but not out of the range of normal) that first week. I started to think that maybe I was going to be okay with taking care of 3 on my own while Matt was at work!
I was so engorged! I had been ever since my milk had come in and I figured it was because I had such an oversupply of milk, like I did with all my babies. Definitely never a problem with producing enough!! It seemed like June was more fussy than normal when I tried to breastfeed her. I just kept trying, figuring that she was just mad because I had SO much milk and she was getting too much at once. I knew that eventually my milk supply would even out so I didn’t worry about it. She didn’t seem to cough or choke on it at all, but she did keep unlatching. She had a strong latch though, so I wasn’t worried.
Nicole came and dropped off a meal quickly. We chatted briefly, as her children were out in the car with the car still running.... she smiled at sweet June, who was sitting in her bouncy chair. I commented on how good the day was going.
I got a call from my mom. She was going to stop by. She got here just before Matt got home from work for the day. I asked him if he could run to the bank before it closed to deposit some checks I’d been putting off depositing for so long because of having just given birth (I good excuse I’d say!). While he was gone, mom was holding June and remarked that she was probably being stupid, but her color seemed a little off. She turned on a light to see, as it was kind of dark in our house that day. She let June fuss a bit. She asked me if she had been crying at all and I told her that I always picked her up right away when she got fussy so of course she hadn’t been screaming that day. My heart kind of sunk a little bit and I felt a bit worried. My mom is not known to be a huge overreacter about health stuff, so I figured I should listen! She asked me to find my stethoscope and I did and she listened to June’s heart and respirations. Apparently she thought she was breathing a little fast and her color looked a bit off. She seemed normal to me, but then I did notice that she was breathing a bit fast and not crying very much, more just making little fussy sounds instead. I told her how she’d actually let me set her down today and I had been noticing her being different (not bad different, just different....). “If I saw this baby at work I would ask someone to check her” she remarked. As a seasoned labor and delivery nurse, she saw tiny babies all the time. She kept apologizing for making me worry and I kept saying “No, it’s fine!” Obviously it was fine, but I was still worried!! Pit in my stomach. Ughhhhh. I quickly looked up our new doctor’s office phone number. We had just been in days earlier to get June’s metabolic screen, but our doctor didn’t have any availability and we saw a different one. I never have sick kids AND it was a new clinic.... who the heck do you call after hours anyway?!I didn’t know what to tell them the symptoms were, so my mom wrote me a list. When they answered I gave her the phone instead as I figured she’d be better able to explain. She annoyedly talked to the guy on the phone “No.... my baby is not excessively crying.” and again she’d list the symptoms including respiratory rate and other medical sounding things in a way I wouldn’t have been able to convey as effectively. Finally the guy, obviously with no medical training, and my mom ended their conversation and she told me that someone would be calling me back. She then called my grandfather, her dad, a retired medical doctor (ob/gyn perintologist to be exact) and told him the symptoms and asked her if she was being dumb/overreacting by having us go to the ER, as she had earlier suggested. He said no, and also recommended that instead of going to the nearby hospital, that we just go straight to Children’s hospital.
I am describing this all in great detail, but it really took not a whole lot of time. Mom took the kids and Matt and I took June and headed out. I quickly looked up the address to Children’s hospital on his phone as he started driving. Of course the car was on empty, so we had to get gas. I was nervous, even though I truly DID think that she probably would be fine. So I told Matt to just fill up as much as we needed to get there, not to wait for the whole minivan tank to fill. So we filled up some and left. I was acting a bit worried and frantic and I think Matt was worried too because he took a wrong turn out of the gas station and got all turned around. I think he told me to calm down at least half a dozen times on the trip there. I can’t! I’m so worried. Ahhhh- traffic! Ahhh- this car cut us off! Ahhhh- you’re driving too fast/too slow/it’s too bumpy. We were both a bit agitated and I was sitting in the back looking right at June and making sure she was fine the whole way there. And finally, after rush hour traffic (of course, right?) we made it and drove straight to the appropriate parking lot so that we could walk right into the ER. If you know us and our horrible directional sense (both of us... it’s a sick joke...), it’s a bloody miracle (yes, I’m British now. Deal.) that we made it right there without wandering around downtown for a bit.
We signed in and took our seat. I got June out of her carseat. She was pretty fussy and I was feeling.... I’m not sure what. Surreal. I stand a bounce and pat her butt. “Shhhh Shhhhh SHHHHHH Shhhh Shhhhh SHHHHHH” repeated rhythmically with the butt pats. We were probably overreacting but I was glad for going in ‘just in case.’ I was trying to go through the day in my mind and figure out if I had somehow missed something. I didn’t think I had. It was a normal day, she was just less fussy than normal. I had chalked it up to her finally starting to get used to being ‘out in the world.’
“June McCoy?” The nurse called our name and we walked into a little cubicle where they attached a pulse oximeter onto her tiny toe. After what seemed like only a few seconds the nurse quickly detached her from her machine and walked us very briskly into another room. I think she just said “follow me” and nothing more.
Suddenly, we were in a very large and bright room. June’s clothes were off and she was on a huge, adult sized hospital bed with people surrounding us. A doctor introduced herself and asked me a lot of questions, none of which I remember anymore. Oxygen mask on her. Stickers attached to her chest, monitors being looked at, stats being read. Doctor puts stethoscope to her chest. “Heart Murmur.” she announces. More questions. Nurses and doctors talking to each other, trying to figure out what to do, orders given and carried out. I am comforting my upset baby lying there while they poke and prod her. “We are going to give your daughter *insert medication name* to try to *insert medical explanation*” Okay. They get an IV in and give her the med and it does nothing. Stats drop. That must not be the problem. Why is nothing working, what is wrong with her heart! She is screaming and I am holding the oxygen mask over her tiny little face, we try to put her pacifer inside the oxygen mask to try to get her to stop screaming. She starts to turn blue as she is screaming. A nurse tried dipping the pacifer in sugar water to try to make her suck on it and not just scream. I’m not really into that idea, but obviously I want my baby to stop screaming so she won’t be blue and mayb her stats won’t be so low.... pulse ox is lower than I’ve ever imagined possible. Her chest is rapidly rising and falling. The sugar water doesn’t help.... she’s mad. I’d be too. I’m standing next to her shushing and trying to comfort her in any way I can without actually holding her. Talking to her. Matt is texting my mom, his mom, people who should know. Standing near me. I glance at him and we both look so worried, so confused. There are really no words to say to each other. We’re on auto-pilot. She is given various medications to try to help her out of her acute state. An echo is done of her heart. First we hear she has an ASD, hole in her atrium. That’s not such a bad problem I hear, then we find out she has a VSD, hole between the ventricles. They keep saying different things, not sure exactly what the problem is but it’s clear to me now that my baby is very very sick and something is wrong with her heart! Is she going to die? Ever be normal? What does this mean? These questions flash through my head but mostly I am numb. Thoughtless, almost. Texting as fast as my fingers will let me. Not sure why I needed to do that. The texting. What it would accomplish. It’s something to do in a situation where there is nothing I can do, perhaps. We watch her stats.... so worried. Matt says “Oh my gosh, that is so low, come on baby” or something to that extent. We’re trying to talk to her trying to get her to get better somehow. We are both watching the monitor and looking at each other is disbelief as the numbers keep looking low and they keep trying to do things to get them up, unsuccessfully. People surround her, we need to move away. The cardiologist is looking at the echo, assessing the situatoin. He is a pediatric cardiologist, Dr Gremmels. He draws us a picture of a heart on a piece of paper. We had already been made to back up. I hear them say they are intubating her. “Oh no!” I think. I’ve only ever seen one baby intubated and that had been hard and hard to get over. I know just enough medical terminology and procedure names to know that this is not good at all. My whole body feels strange. A feeling I can not describe. My jaw is clenched tightly and I am tapping one of my feet up and down on the floor. He is still talking, still drawing. I’m trying to pay attention to him while my baby is surrounded by tons of medical people in the same room. I half succeed, knowing this information is important. He explains that when her heart formed the walls “here” (as he is drawing) did not come all the way down or up. Making one big (I cringe at the word big) hole that extends through the atrium and the ventricle. He said that some call it two holes- but that it’s really just one big one. Ugh, that word. Big. Nobody wants to hear it. Big wad of cash? Yes. Big hole in the heart? Not so much. He also explains her valves. She has one big one instead of 2 little ones. How is the possible? Is this genetic? How did the ultrasound less than a week before birth miss this (In reality I find out later that this is only caught *maybe* 50% of the time prenatally. And I am grateful I did not know... but that's another story altogether)? Is she going to need surgery? Yes. He says this is fixed with open heart surgery. Blow to the chest. My breath is tense. Pastor Kerry walks into the large, bright room. How does he know we’re here? We’ve been here less than an hour. 10 minutes? I have no concept of time. It feels as if time is standing still. He stands next to us. I think maybe Matt gives him a hug (note: He was the senior pastor at the church Matt worked at for the past 5+ years and Matt had just recently started his roll at a new church). Maybe words are exchanged, maybe not. I can’t remember. I’m still texting madly. Everytime we are told something new. I can’t even remember which people I was texting. My mom, one of the midwives from our birth, my mother in law.... I think that’s it?
I look at my baby. Cords everywhere. Something breathing for her. Ohmyword. I can’t breathe and I feel numb. Autopilot. You’d think I’d sob hysterically. You’d think I’d scream. I do none of those things. I stare at her. Shock and disbelief. Matt is the same. We are like empty shells of people. If he had cried I might have. If I had cried he probably would have too. But, we both just ARE. That’s about the extent of it. Shells.
We follow them as they wheel her down the hall and into an elevator. Will we fit in the same one with all those meds, people, big bed with teeny tiny limp baby on it?. We do. Do I touch her? Is she stable? These things I can not remember. Was I even allowed to touch her yet? I am thinking no. These are the details of the day I’ll never remember. Shells of people have a hard time remembering. She must’ve been somewhat stable if we’re wheeling her up, right? I’m worried about the ventilator. The only time I hear about ventilators is the “taking the off the ventilator’ as in letting them die. I assume she is on life support. My baby can’t breathe on her own. I am so shocked, this is so unreal, I feel like I am in a nightmare. I’m going to wake up and this is not going to be real. I feel a little floaty... so maybe I really AM asleep.
We are on the pediatric cardio floor. She is laying on her bed, sedated on a ventilator. We are ushered into the family waiting room down the hall. She needs a central line put in and it is a sterile field. We sit in the waiting room with Pastor Kerry. Matt and he discuss theology. Matt is trying to keep his mind off things. If he talks about what is going on I think he would’ve lost it. This is good. He needs to talk, I need to be quiet. I drink ice water from the water machine. Go to the bathroom. Ask a nurse if I can pump. I realize now that it’d be quite a long time since I had nursed, and besides she hadn’t nursed well all day. Matt and Kerry stay in the waiting room and I pump in the pumping room. The nurse shows me what to do and tells me that they’ll order me my own pump so that I can pump in the room later on. How long are we gong to be here? My thought is a long time. As I am pumping, I look at my texts, one of the midwives wants me to call and update, so I call her. We talk about what is going on. She reminds me that I need to make sure that I get ALL my questions answered. If I don’t understand something, I need to ask. As we are talking and I am pumping, I have to turn the pump off because I have completely filled both bottles. I comment to the midwife, Jeanne, that I just filled the bottles completely! She asks me if I have more there to use, but I figure that the engorgement is gone and they feel mostly empty so that’s probably enough pumping. I want to know when they’ll be done with the *whatever they’re doing* (central line, I know now... then I just knew it was sterile). I hang up with her and go check on things... they’re still working. Matt is still discussing theological things. Pastor Kerry prays for us. I keep teary eyed during the prayer and kind of choked up. But I don’t loose it. We thank him. Eventually he says goodbye after I think hours of just being with us in whatever way was needed. How kind of him. Seriously.
Eventually after what seems like forever (definitely the longest part of the night so far!) we are allowed back into her room. Oh, she looks so tiny on that huge bed. So lifeless. So horrible. So many beeping sounds, monitors, heart waves and lines on screens, meds pumping through tubes into her. Do we have any questions? I ask about the ventilator. So she can’t breathe at all and if we took her off it she would die? I don’t know what I ask or what their answers are. A female cardio doctor (who is apparently also on our team... so many doctors!) asks us if we have ANY more questions to which Matt replied “Yes, do you know where we could get some food?” “I think she meant about June,” I say. It’s probably 2am by that point and we haven’t eaten dinner. I don’t know what she says, but Matt orders Pizza Luce to be delivered. He is hungry. He tells me later “It’s not like you can’t ask the pastor where the bathroom is... she asked if I had any questions.” Oh Matt. But really, he was hungry and we were numb. I get it. You do what you gotta do. I eat one bite of his pizza, but I can not eat. Eventually Matt lays down on the couch. It’s too small for both of us to fit and he is bigger so I tell him to take the couch and I will sleep in the rocking chair. I comment that I am used to sleeping in weird places curled up in a ball... I’m a doula afterall. Fitfully we eventually both fall asleep. As a side-note, the couch actually pulls out into a bed. We tried to pull it out, since I knew this to be the case in maternity wards, but we gave up and nobody seemed to offer to help us (they were busy with June, so it’s totally fine!!!) so I figured maybe it was different in this hospital on this floor so we slept how we slept. Fitfully.
Thus ending the worst day of my entire life. The days that followed were no picnic either. I wanted to write a record of this day so that I could remember it. No parent should ever have to see their child go through something like this. I found it interesting that neither of us cried. Not once. The first time I cried was when she was off the ventilator, not sleeping and me not sleeping. I had received what’s called a “prayer shawl” by some beautiful members of our new church, Elim, and I wrapped it around myself laid down, and just sobbed. So unfair, so hard to see my baby going through this. How is a baby going to have open heart surgery. Please God, she can not die.
Anyway, this is not the whole story, of course, just the story of this day. This day of days.... this day that I don’t want to forget and also wish I didn’t have to remember. We went from one of the best days, her birth.... her easy, joyous, amazing and beautiful birth to this. In less than 2 weeks. Crazy.
Thursday, July 12, 2012
Essential oils for LIFE
I've gotten a lot of questions lately about essential oils... which is awesome! So I thought I'd briefly convey what we use most often for daily life. My most favorite oil is Frankincense. I feel like it has just a million uses!! The wise men knew what they were doing when they gave baby Jesus this oil. I rub a drop or two on my face over coconut oil before bed. It has the calming effect on me (it's good for headaches too) and is also really really good for skin- it's supposed to be anti aging and help with scars, so I rub it on my belly stretch marks too.
I put thus one in my diaper wipe solution, wear it and rub it on my belly during pregnancy, put a few drops in my baths or my baby's bath, and this is what I personally decided to diffuse during my birthing time. It's also good for cradle cap or eczema patches (which we don't personally struggle with but I've made a mental note about). I also use this one for infant massage
Joy
This one helps to combat/prevent depression so I wear it as perfume when I'm feeling a bit blue. I did it a lot more often immediately postpartum to feel more 'normal'
Peace and CalmingI use this one every single day. I put a dab on my wrists and behind my ears. We rub it, diluted with a carrier oil, on our children's feet before bedtime. It helps them to have a restful night. It's also helped our 2 yr old with nighttime accidents. If they're feeling crazy I'll sometime let them sniff this oil if I have it handy or if they have a nightmare I'll spray a spritz of it on their pillow or rub a bit on their temples and let them drift back to sleep. My oldest once told me it smelled like "calmness." So cute.
Peppermint
I love a drop of peppermint oil in my water or tea! 1 drop is the equivalent of something like 20 cups of peppermint tea.... so very concentrated! My husband put a drop in a chocolate came he was making once... and it tasted like an andes mint cake. YUM. I apply to my temples when I have a headache or need energy and place a drop in the belly button to reduce a fever.
Lemon
I also love a drop of this in my water. A yummy antioxidant kick!! It also helps with grease stains or thing that goo-gone would take out.
Orange and Tangerine and Grapefruit oil More antioxidant boosts in water! My kids also love "smells" in their water. They help uplift and aid in digestion.... a bunch of good stuff!
Thieves
Deserves it's own post!! I love cleaning with thieves household cleaner! Thieves is called what it's called because 16th (??) century thieves used the blend while robbing plague victims to keep themselves from catching it. Or so the story goes! It definitely helps protect our family from illness... we hardly ever get sick! It can be taken internally even. We use the foaming hand soap in all of our bathrooms and I diffuse it if kids are going to come over (especially to protect the baby!!) and with put it on the bottoms of my feet to try to protect myself. Same with everyone else or if one person is already sick. I love the hand sanitizer too!
Purification
Awesome blend!! I love diffusing it because it's a natural odor eater, like febreze without the chemicals! I also put it on bug bites and they're gone in a day! And make a spritz of it for natural bug spray. Bugs don't like this oil!
Lavender
More than any oil... this one really has a million uses!! Burns (sunburn or other), calming kids, I put it on my teeth grinders jaw before bed, swab in the nostrils for allergies or snoring, wear for headaches or allergies, around the ear for ear infections, bridge of the nose for pink-eye, for cuts and scrapes.... honestly I'm learning new uses all the time!
Valor
Pan Away
LOVE this one for pain. It's like natural bengay. Or icy hot. Remember that stuff? I wish I would've thought to use it for after pains after birth! It definitely helps my back pain.
Di-Gize
Good for any stomach issues.... my hubby rubs it on his belly because he gets stomach aches more than I (I get more headaches... I think we exhibit our stress differently!). You can also put a few drops in your inner cheek or take orally. I have a lot of other oils I use on a more occasional basis or for blends I make... like my sunscreen recipe or the ones I bring to births
I'm getting Brain Power in the mail next month and I have a feeling I'll use it every single day for my space cadet mommy fog brain :-) Also one called R.C.
Monday, July 9, 2012
Essential oils for my heart baby!
Hello!! We got good news from the doctor that she is growing (1 oz shy of 10lbs a few days ago!) and that surgery will likely now be in NOVEMBER!! He was originally saying 4 months, so obviously she is doing well if he wants to wait until 6 months old. We took her off her diuretic and she has been handling it well as far as I can tell... so one less med!
So, we're of course doing all the standard medical stuff for her heart condition, but someone who usually uses natural remedies at home, I can't not research what would be best to help June be as healthy as she can be for surgery and for healing post-op.
Among other things, we are using essential oils!! We use Young Living brand. The essential oils you can buy for cheap at the store are just that... cheap. While they still smell good, those oils don't have much of the medicinal properties of oils. So while they are more expensive, it's definitely worth it. Especially because they last for so long because you only need a few drops each time!
I could do a whole 'bother post on what I do for first aid for my kids, for myself, during pregnancy and birth.... but this post is for my heart baby.
We just started using these oils this week when my shipment came in.
Here is our regime:
Aroma Life:
So, we're of course doing all the standard medical stuff for her heart condition, but someone who usually uses natural remedies at home, I can't not research what would be best to help June be as healthy as she can be for surgery and for healing post-op.
Among other things, we are using essential oils!! We use Young Living brand. The essential oils you can buy for cheap at the store are just that... cheap. While they still smell good, those oils don't have much of the medicinal properties of oils. So while they are more expensive, it's definitely worth it. Especially because they last for so long because you only need a few drops each time!
I could do a whole 'bother post on what I do for first aid for my kids, for myself, during pregnancy and birth.... but this post is for my heart baby.
We just started using these oils this week when my shipment came in.
Here is our regime:
Aroma Life™ Essential Oil Blend combines the harmonizing effects of ylang ylang with known powerhouses cypress, helichrysum, and marjoram. Pulsing with life, this vibrant blend of essential oils energizes your life force. Aroma Life™ is best applied over heart energy – front and/or back.
Wellness Solutions: Balances cardiovascular, lymphatic, and circulatory systems; reduces stress.
Ingredients:
Wellness Solutions: Balances cardiovascular, lymphatic, and circulatory systems; reduces stress.
Ingredients:
- Cypress (Cupressus sempervirens)
- Marjoram (Origanum majorana)
- Helichrysum (Helichrysum italicum)
- Ylang Ylang (Cananga odorata)
- in a base of organic sesame seed oil.
Applications: For topical use, apply 4 drops on location (heart, abdomen, on the hand under the ring finger and above the elbow or in conjunction with Raindrop Technique) as needed. Diffuse, directly inhale, or add 2-4 drops to bath water. Apply 1-2 drops over heart and long spine from first to fourth thoracic vertebrae (which correspond to the cardiopulmonary nerves). Dilute 1:15 with vegetable oil [I prefer organic oils so that chemicals do not interact with the essential oil and waste energy] or our V-6 Oil Complex for a full body massage.
WHAT WE DO: Diffuse for 20 mins 2-3 times a day. I also put a very diluted mix of this and coconut oil on her feet and over her heart a couple of times a day. This oil does not need to be diluted necessarily, but with such a young baby I personally think it wise. I probably wouldn't dilute it with my other two but June is sick, so I am extra cautious. Since oils ARE powerful!
Gentle Baby™ Essential Oil Blend is a soft, fragrant combination of essential oils designed specifically for mothers and babies. It helps calm emotions during pregnancy and is useful for quieting troubled little ones. It is also soothing to tender skin. Many of the essential oils in this blend are used in elite cosmetics to enhance a youthful appearance.
Wellness: Gentle Baby™ supports the skin, maintaining normal cellular regeneration and helps reduce the appearance of aging. It is particularly soothing to dry, chapped skin and diaper rash. Skin issues improved when using Gentle Baby™ with Rose Ointment over top of it.
Ingredients:
Wellness: Gentle Baby™ supports the skin, maintaining normal cellular regeneration and helps reduce the appearance of aging. It is particularly soothing to dry, chapped skin and diaper rash. Skin issues improved when using Gentle Baby™ with Rose Ointment over top of it.
Ingredients:
- Rosewood (Aniba rosaeodora)
- Geranium (pelargonium graveolens)
- Palmarosa (Cymbopogon martinii)
- Lavender (Lavandula angustifolia)
- Roman chamomile (Chamaemelum nobile)
- Ylang ylang (Cananga odorata)
- Lemon (Citrus limon)
- Jasmine (Jasminum officinale)
- Bergamot (Citrus bergamia)
- and Rose (Rosa damascena)
Applications: For aromatic use. Diffuse or apply on mother's abdomen, feet, lower back, face, and neck areas. Dilute with V-6™ Enhanced Vegetable Oil Complexf or full body massage and for applying on baby's skin.
WHAT WE DO: Baby massage! I try to give her a massage a few times a week and use coconut oil and Gentle Baby. I went to a baby massage class and also our cranial sacral therapist gave me some tips. I diffused this oil when we were in the hospital with her so sick (also when I was giving birth to her!) and my hope is that she will continue to associate thus calming blend with... being calm and relaxed.... so I can diffuse it again when we are in the hospital for open heart surgery to keep her (and me!) calm. I also use a blend called "peace and calming for this.... I wear it on my chest so that when she is held close to me she smells it and calms. I will be wearing that during our hospital stay to keep myself calm!! Another bone I use in this way is a blend called "Jpy." Just depends on how I'm feeling which of these 3 I use. I also use Gentle Baby in my homemade diaper wipe solution... never a diaper rash in this house! But thats a whole different post!
I have many oils that I plan to use after the surgery to help her incision- for healing and to help minimize the appearance of the scar. Though I hope she is always proud of her scar... remembering always that she's a fierce warrior!! And also one to help with emotional trauma (I'll be using that one on myself too!!!
Let me know if you want some oils... I get them at wholesale and use at least a few daily.
Tuesday, July 3, 2012
underwear checks... or lack thereof
Our morning on Sunday consisted of: "Roxie, go put some clothes on for church"
R: "Okay!"
end scene.
R comes down in a dress, I tell her to put on her shoes, and after breakfast we go to church.
Now insert lots of playing, running around, and playing games with the kids downstairs at church.
Then, head to grandma's house for lunch. After lunch Roxie is being a normal kid and rolling around on the floor with her feet up in the air for some reason (does there REALLY have to be a reason to do this? Why don't we all roll around more often. Anyway...).
I look at her and to my amazement, she is not wearing underwear. So I ask her about it casually. "Roxie, why aren't you wearing any underwear?"
R:"Because you didn't tell me to put any on"
Well... okay... didn't realize I had to specify considering this child often puts shorts on under her dresses just so nobody will see her underwear (not sure where she got that... but I have been wearing yoga capris under mind lately for ease of nursing in a dress)
Anyway.... the moral of this story. It only takes a second to check to see if your child is, in fact, wearing underwear. So, just do a quick check before you leave the house. If they're wearing pants, then you can skip the check and use your free second to bust a really cool Michael Jackson-esque dance move.
The End.
R: "Okay!"
end scene.
R comes down in a dress, I tell her to put on her shoes, and after breakfast we go to church.
Now insert lots of playing, running around, and playing games with the kids downstairs at church.
Then, head to grandma's house for lunch. After lunch Roxie is being a normal kid and rolling around on the floor with her feet up in the air for some reason (does there REALLY have to be a reason to do this? Why don't we all roll around more often. Anyway...).
I look at her and to my amazement, she is not wearing underwear. So I ask her about it casually. "Roxie, why aren't you wearing any underwear?"
R:"Because you didn't tell me to put any on"
Well... okay... didn't realize I had to specify considering this child often puts shorts on under her dresses just so nobody will see her underwear (not sure where she got that... but I have been wearing yoga capris under mind lately for ease of nursing in a dress)
Anyway.... the moral of this story. It only takes a second to check to see if your child is, in fact, wearing underwear. So, just do a quick check before you leave the house. If they're wearing pants, then you can skip the check and use your free second to bust a really cool Michael Jackson-esque dance move.
The End.
Sunday, July 1, 2012
Things never to say to a family with a sick kids:
Today in Sunday school we talked about suffering. My lovely and wise husband said something that we've discussed together in the past. About how lots of times people (who mean well, don't get me wrong) say things during your suffering to make themselves feel better. They feel awkward and so they try to put their own theology on the problem. When June was in the hospital on a ventilator we got so much love and support! Amazing. But I did learn what things to NEVER say to someone with a sick or dying child. My friend, Kristin, posted a fabulous post about this a while back when she lost her daughter to stillbirth and it's stuck with me... and now I've experienced it first hand. May it help you as it's helped me to simply BE with others amidst their suffering.
Okay, here is my list:
1. "Remember that whatever happens, she was never yours to begin with"
This one hit me hard. She IS mine, God gave her to me. Entrusted me to be her mom. This really was a not helpful thing to say, EVEN if I believed it to be true. When your child is FIGHTING FOR HER LIFE I want to hear people say they are sending healing prayers, not "whatever happens" prayers. I don't know if I can adequately express how upset this one made me.
2. "this is part of God's plan"
Really? God CHOSE to give my daughter a heart that doesn't work right? What... to teach me a lesson? Sounds pretty cruel to me. Again, EVEN IF I BELIEVED IN THIS THEOLOGY it would NOT be the time or place. I personally believe that sucky stuff happen in our world. I believe that God can USE these crappy situations for our growth, for God's purpose, etc. Glory in the storm. BUT I don't find it helpful to here that He gave a sickness to my child. There is a verse somewhere in the Bible that says "Jesus wept." Why would he weep for suffering he himself had created?
3. "God's plan is perfect"
Yes, it is. BUT because he gave the world free will... that means suffering must be part of the picture. Not because he wants it to be and he can work through it for his plan... but I don't think he "waved his magic wand" and said "I'm giving this baby a heart defect." Maybe he saw it was going to happen and set us up in a way to deal with it and to bring glory to him through it. I like to think that God comes alongside those who suffer, suffers with them, cries with them, carries them when needed. And again.... saying this to someone who is maybe praying SO HARD for healing just feels like undermining their deepest desire. People need hugs, love, prayers, "this sucks" maybe. They don't need theology during times of despair.
I know there are a lot more things you shouldn't say. But, I want to focus on what TO say:
1. Nothing. Silence is just fine. Maybe a hug. Even saying something like "there are no words" is great. Because really... what can you say? It makes me feel like people, though maybe they've never been there, understand the enormity of the situation. I like how my husband puts it "be okay to be awkward." Maybe you feel weird just BEING with someone. Maybe it would make YOU feel better to say something theological. But don't say something to justify it in your own mind. Be willing to just be with someone, even if it feels awkward. Maybe this one is easier to me, who has been with people going through the intensity of childbirth... I've held them and their space during one of probably the most intense times of their lives (and that doesn't exactly relate because childbirth isn't suffering unless you let it be.... but it is still intense, even if in a beautiful way).
2. "I'm here for you" or "I'm praying for you" or "what do you need?" are great. Even if I don't need anything, it's nice to know that you'd be willing to bring me Chipotle if I needed it while in the hospital. Or that you would be willing to watch my kids, clean my house, bring me something. Or if you can't, that you are with me in spirit and sending love from afar. Seriously, if I needed absolutely nothing it's still good to know that if I did, you'd be there. I'm one of those people who HATE asking for help and have a really hard time accepting it from others. So offer it, don't make me ask.
3. "This sucks" or however you like to phrase it. This may not always be appropriate, but I'd rather now that you see how hard this is than hear WHY you think it's happening. When you go through really hard stuff I think it's sometimes helpful to realize that, yeah, I'm not just being dumb.... it really is a hard thing!! When I'm being neurotic about my sick babies every breath and coloring that seems off it's nice to know that I'm not being ridiculous.... that it's NORMAL to be this way right now.
4. "you are doing a great job." When I feel as if my world is crashing, the walls crumbling in on me if I am holding it together... let me know! I wouldn't say this to someone who is seriously a hot mess because I think they'd know it wasn't genuine, but if it feels genuine and you really think someone is rocking it... tell them! Encourage them! Of course still give permission for them to be a hot mess if they want to.... sometimes it's good to just LET GO. But acknowledge the little things accomplished in a genuine and non-annoying and overboard way. Someone told me how good I looked when we were in the hospital. With a tiny cold shower every few days, hardly any sleep, crazy emotions, and having JUST given birth... it did feel good (again, it felt genuine. If you don't really think it, don't lie because people see through false compliments, at least I do!)
May this help you relate to others who suffer or are going through something difficult! Now, DON'T come compliment me just because it says something about it in this post. Or I'll punch you ;-) (kidding.... kind of)
Today in Sunday school we talked about suffering. My lovely and wise husband said something that we've discussed together in the past. About how lots of times people (who mean well, don't get me wrong) say things during your suffering to make themselves feel better. They feel awkward and so they try to put their own theology on the problem. When June was in the hospital on a ventilator we got so much love and support! Amazing. But I did learn what things to NEVER say to someone with a sick or dying child. My friend, Kristin, posted a fabulous post about this a while back when she lost her daughter to stillbirth and it's stuck with me... and now I've experienced it first hand. May it help you as it's helped me to simply BE with others amidst their suffering.
Okay, here is my list:
1. "Remember that whatever happens, she was never yours to begin with"
This one hit me hard. She IS mine, God gave her to me. Entrusted me to be her mom. This really was a not helpful thing to say, EVEN if I believed it to be true. When your child is FIGHTING FOR HER LIFE I want to hear people say they are sending healing prayers, not "whatever happens" prayers. I don't know if I can adequately express how upset this one made me.
2. "this is part of God's plan"
Really? God CHOSE to give my daughter a heart that doesn't work right? What... to teach me a lesson? Sounds pretty cruel to me. Again, EVEN IF I BELIEVED IN THIS THEOLOGY it would NOT be the time or place. I personally believe that sucky stuff happen in our world. I believe that God can USE these crappy situations for our growth, for God's purpose, etc. Glory in the storm. BUT I don't find it helpful to here that He gave a sickness to my child. There is a verse somewhere in the Bible that says "Jesus wept." Why would he weep for suffering he himself had created?
3. "God's plan is perfect"
Yes, it is. BUT because he gave the world free will... that means suffering must be part of the picture. Not because he wants it to be and he can work through it for his plan... but I don't think he "waved his magic wand" and said "I'm giving this baby a heart defect." Maybe he saw it was going to happen and set us up in a way to deal with it and to bring glory to him through it. I like to think that God comes alongside those who suffer, suffers with them, cries with them, carries them when needed. And again.... saying this to someone who is maybe praying SO HARD for healing just feels like undermining their deepest desire. People need hugs, love, prayers, "this sucks" maybe. They don't need theology during times of despair.
I know there are a lot more things you shouldn't say. But, I want to focus on what TO say:
1. Nothing. Silence is just fine. Maybe a hug. Even saying something like "there are no words" is great. Because really... what can you say? It makes me feel like people, though maybe they've never been there, understand the enormity of the situation. I like how my husband puts it "be okay to be awkward." Maybe you feel weird just BEING with someone. Maybe it would make YOU feel better to say something theological. But don't say something to justify it in your own mind. Be willing to just be with someone, even if it feels awkward. Maybe this one is easier to me, who has been with people going through the intensity of childbirth... I've held them and their space during one of probably the most intense times of their lives (and that doesn't exactly relate because childbirth isn't suffering unless you let it be.... but it is still intense, even if in a beautiful way).
2. "I'm here for you" or "I'm praying for you" or "what do you need?" are great. Even if I don't need anything, it's nice to know that you'd be willing to bring me Chipotle if I needed it while in the hospital. Or that you would be willing to watch my kids, clean my house, bring me something. Or if you can't, that you are with me in spirit and sending love from afar. Seriously, if I needed absolutely nothing it's still good to know that if I did, you'd be there. I'm one of those people who HATE asking for help and have a really hard time accepting it from others. So offer it, don't make me ask.
3. "This sucks" or however you like to phrase it. This may not always be appropriate, but I'd rather now that you see how hard this is than hear WHY you think it's happening. When you go through really hard stuff I think it's sometimes helpful to realize that, yeah, I'm not just being dumb.... it really is a hard thing!! When I'm being neurotic about my sick babies every breath and coloring that seems off it's nice to know that I'm not being ridiculous.... that it's NORMAL to be this way right now.
4. "you are doing a great job." When I feel as if my world is crashing, the walls crumbling in on me if I am holding it together... let me know! I wouldn't say this to someone who is seriously a hot mess because I think they'd know it wasn't genuine, but if it feels genuine and you really think someone is rocking it... tell them! Encourage them! Of course still give permission for them to be a hot mess if they want to.... sometimes it's good to just LET GO. But acknowledge the little things accomplished in a genuine and non-annoying and overboard way. Someone told me how good I looked when we were in the hospital. With a tiny cold shower every few days, hardly any sleep, crazy emotions, and having JUST given birth... it did feel good (again, it felt genuine. If you don't really think it, don't lie because people see through false compliments, at least I do!)
May this help you relate to others who suffer or are going through something difficult! Now, DON'T come compliment me just because it says something about it in this post. Or I'll punch you ;-) (kidding.... kind of)
Friday, June 29, 2012
complementary therapies
When I found out our daughter had a heart defect that would require open heart surgery, I immediately started researching natural complementary treatment options for my sweet babe. Obviously I am forever grateful for the advances in medicine which will hopefully allow J2 to grow into a lovely adult and die at a a ripe old age. I am grateful for the drugs that she needs. Grateful for open heart surgery.
I am one of those weird people (or more like, awesome people) who believe in the power of alternative therapies. Of the spiritual. Of the spiritual energy of the body. The power of good nutrition. All that jazz. So I want to set J2 up for success as much as I can through alternative therapies. Even if it costs a lot and darn insurance companies haven't realized how awesome it would be to cover these therapies.
So, here are some of the things we are doing.
1. Cranial Sacral Therapy
I got it done a few times during pregnancy by my chiropractor and now I am having J2 get it. And- wow! I wish I would've had all my kids get it as babies. She is much less fussy when she's worked on in this way. Sleeps better. And I really feel like it helps her overcome the trauma of being in the hospital on a ventilator. We did it a few times in a row upon coming home from the hospital, and now we're slowing down a bit and then right before and after surgery we'll ramp it up again. The therapist gave me some stuff I can do at home with her, so that's been really great!
2. Chiropractic care
Okay, so I haven't actually gotten around to this yet, but I am a strong believer in chiropractic care and had it all throughout pregnancy and need to get J2 in SOON for some adjustments. I've honestly just been too busy with all her other appointments.
3. Traditional Chinese Medicine--- Acupuncture
I found an awesome Acupuncturist group who work specifically on children. We'll be trying this out before surgery. I will let you know what i think. Did you know acupuncture can even flip breech babies? I obviously know a lot more about this stuff as it relates to pregnancy and birth, but it's pretty powerful stuff so I think it can help send some healing energy to her little heart as well!!
4. Essential Oils
I am a huge essential oil fan. I use them for everything and use at least a few every day. I've been researching which oils to use on J2 now, and which ones to use on her prior to and after surgery for emotional care and also to put on her scar. I diffused a calming oil blend in her room during our hospital stay and that same oil I've been massaging on her frequently and will probably bring it to her for post surgery. I think it'll be good to have it be one she remembers as calming that reminds her of that special time of massage we have together. I think diffusing oils in her room is great for ME too.... as a stressed out and worried heart baby mama!! I use them to try to keep us all from getting sick too... because a virus would NOT be good for a little baby with a sick heart!!
5. Naturopathic medicine
We have our first naturopath appointment in a few weeks. I will let you know what I think. I assume since I am breastfeeding they are going to give me supplements for ME to take for her to get through me. I've been taking stuff like probiotics and drinking some herbal infusions since she was on some pretty heavy meds including antibiotics and I want to rebuild her good gut flora.
6. Baby yoga!
I am a yoga instructor and so I know the huge benefits of yoga, but I never thought I'd love baby yoga so much!! I wish I could go every day. It's the one time of the day that I don't feel SO overly stressed with the weight of worry for my sick baby. I connect with my baby and I connect with other mamas and I get onto my mat and do a few exercises for myself as well. Deep sigh. The other day I sat next to another heart mama and her heart baby!! And a NICU nurse at the hospital we were and will be at was across the room from us! So cool to connect and talk about the stuff we're both going through. Also, some of the exercises we do on baby are the SAME ones that the cranial sacral therapist recommended I do!! So it's perfect! We plan to go at least once a week until she's too old for it.
7. Healing touch
Healing touch has been PROVEN scientifically to be effective. They have Reiki and healing touch certified people employed at hospitals even! We don't have the money to actually go see someone for this, but I've been using my own healing touch on J2. I have been through an intro training on this and understand the energy of the body and how it all works, so we've been playing with healing touch and I plan to continue and bring this to surgery day and post-op for SURE. R likes to rub her hands together and then place her hands just above J2s heart and say "sending you ALL the love" it's really sweet. I guess she GETS healing touch! It's fun to see.
8. Use of others
I don't know why I thought of this 8th, but we've been REALLY utilizing others prayers and sending of love and light to us!! I hope to get together a prayer/healing circle for J2 right before her surgery. Maybe have her in the middle of a big circle with everyone sending her prayers and healing light for her to bring with her into her surgery. The yoga studio I work at did something similar to this during a staff meeting while I was in the hospital with J2 and it was powerful! So how awesome would it be to gather all the people who support J2 into one room. Then, during surgery have them all light a candle and let it burn all day and send their prayers and love to her.
I am one of those weird people (or more like, awesome people) who believe in the power of alternative therapies. Of the spiritual. Of the spiritual energy of the body. The power of good nutrition. All that jazz. So I want to set J2 up for success as much as I can through alternative therapies. Even if it costs a lot and darn insurance companies haven't realized how awesome it would be to cover these therapies.
So, here are some of the things we are doing.
1. Cranial Sacral Therapy
I got it done a few times during pregnancy by my chiropractor and now I am having J2 get it. And- wow! I wish I would've had all my kids get it as babies. She is much less fussy when she's worked on in this way. Sleeps better. And I really feel like it helps her overcome the trauma of being in the hospital on a ventilator. We did it a few times in a row upon coming home from the hospital, and now we're slowing down a bit and then right before and after surgery we'll ramp it up again. The therapist gave me some stuff I can do at home with her, so that's been really great!
2. Chiropractic care
Okay, so I haven't actually gotten around to this yet, but I am a strong believer in chiropractic care and had it all throughout pregnancy and need to get J2 in SOON for some adjustments. I've honestly just been too busy with all her other appointments.
3. Traditional Chinese Medicine--- Acupuncture
I found an awesome Acupuncturist group who work specifically on children. We'll be trying this out before surgery. I will let you know what i think. Did you know acupuncture can even flip breech babies? I obviously know a lot more about this stuff as it relates to pregnancy and birth, but it's pretty powerful stuff so I think it can help send some healing energy to her little heart as well!!
4. Essential Oils
I am a huge essential oil fan. I use them for everything and use at least a few every day. I've been researching which oils to use on J2 now, and which ones to use on her prior to and after surgery for emotional care and also to put on her scar. I diffused a calming oil blend in her room during our hospital stay and that same oil I've been massaging on her frequently and will probably bring it to her for post surgery. I think it'll be good to have it be one she remembers as calming that reminds her of that special time of massage we have together. I think diffusing oils in her room is great for ME too.... as a stressed out and worried heart baby mama!! I use them to try to keep us all from getting sick too... because a virus would NOT be good for a little baby with a sick heart!!
5. Naturopathic medicine
We have our first naturopath appointment in a few weeks. I will let you know what I think. I assume since I am breastfeeding they are going to give me supplements for ME to take for her to get through me. I've been taking stuff like probiotics and drinking some herbal infusions since she was on some pretty heavy meds including antibiotics and I want to rebuild her good gut flora.
6. Baby yoga!
I am a yoga instructor and so I know the huge benefits of yoga, but I never thought I'd love baby yoga so much!! I wish I could go every day. It's the one time of the day that I don't feel SO overly stressed with the weight of worry for my sick baby. I connect with my baby and I connect with other mamas and I get onto my mat and do a few exercises for myself as well. Deep sigh. The other day I sat next to another heart mama and her heart baby!! And a NICU nurse at the hospital we were and will be at was across the room from us! So cool to connect and talk about the stuff we're both going through. Also, some of the exercises we do on baby are the SAME ones that the cranial sacral therapist recommended I do!! So it's perfect! We plan to go at least once a week until she's too old for it.
7. Healing touch
Healing touch has been PROVEN scientifically to be effective. They have Reiki and healing touch certified people employed at hospitals even! We don't have the money to actually go see someone for this, but I've been using my own healing touch on J2. I have been through an intro training on this and understand the energy of the body and how it all works, so we've been playing with healing touch and I plan to continue and bring this to surgery day and post-op for SURE. R likes to rub her hands together and then place her hands just above J2s heart and say "sending you ALL the love" it's really sweet. I guess she GETS healing touch! It's fun to see.
8. Use of others
I don't know why I thought of this 8th, but we've been REALLY utilizing others prayers and sending of love and light to us!! I hope to get together a prayer/healing circle for J2 right before her surgery. Maybe have her in the middle of a big circle with everyone sending her prayers and healing light for her to bring with her into her surgery. The yoga studio I work at did something similar to this during a staff meeting while I was in the hospital with J2 and it was powerful! So how awesome would it be to gather all the people who support J2 into one room. Then, during surgery have them all light a candle and let it burn all day and send their prayers and love to her.
Thursday, June 28, 2012
So much has changed
So much has changed since I started this blog and never got into it.
My husband graduated from seminary.
He got a full-time ministry job.
We bought our first house.
We had another baby.
Our baby spent 2 weeks in the hospital hooked to a ventilator.
Our baby has a heart defect.
Any one of these changes is a lot to handle, but ALL of the at once? Wow. That's a LOT. Our baby, June, is now almost 6 weeks old and we're home. But that doesn't mean that I don't check often when I'm not holding her (which I am doing most of the time anyway) to make sure she is breathing and also that she is not blue. Because she was breathing when she got put on the ventilator.
Our 'big' kids as I refer to them, are actually still LITTLE kids. I have to remember that! J will be 3 in just a month and R is 5 going on 16. Oh they are so much fun and have me laughing all day long. Unless I'm fighting the urge to get really upset at them for blatantly NOT listening to me. Oh kids.
But we've said long ago that our goal is not to raise complacent children who follow without question. YES, I do like my kids to do what I ask them to do. That'd be just splendid. But that's not my ultimate goal as a parent. My ultimate goal is to raise happy and confident children who are well-adjusted. That's a long road.... and takes a lot more than just punishing someone and teaching them how to follow the rules.
R- she's awesome. She taught HERSELF how to read and hasn't stopped reading since. She LOVES books and stories and playing pretend. She can be SASSY and she can be "miss thang" but she also has this deeply pondering mind that I just love. She asks the most complex questions for a 5 year old sometimes. The other day when I was tucking her into bed she looked at me thoughtfully and said "Mom, how did God create something out of nothing?" How does one answer a question like that?! I usually turn it over to my theological husband who is better at that kind of stuff. She's one of those kids who could teach herself anything that she needs to learn. If I was into it, I think unschooling would work fabulously for her. She really schools herself. People probably think I taught her reading, writing and arithmetic (which she also knows... she begged me to write her addition and subtraction problems on a page for her to do for fun once)... but I surely did not. She loves gymnastics, which is great because she used to be so afraid of going upside down and swinging high. She also loves dancing, coloring and doing crafts, and doing very large puzzles (we're talking hundreds of pieces!). She will spend ALL day in our craft room. I *love* that it's no longer all over the dining room table! Yay new house.
J- very different than R and I *love* seeing the differences between 2 kids being raised exactly the same. J does not care for letters and writing and that kind of stuff. He likes LEAPING off of high surfaces. He likes wearing capes. He likes being a super hero or a firefighter. The other day he put on a pretend fire fighter hat and when I asked him to help me clean up toys for the night he said "but fire fighters don't clean up toys!!" (I made it into a game and he was happy to join in.... my evil mommy plan works again!). He loves playing with matchbox cars. He plays with his cars like some people play with dolls. They talk to each other and go on adventures together. He loves his older sister FIERCELY. Even when they are fighting, it doesn't take long for them to be playing together again. And usually one is upset because the other wants to play alone for a little bit. "BUT I JUST WANT TO PLAY WITH YOU R!!!!" J is so sensitive to the feelings of himself and others. Not in a sad way... because he is the biggest bruiser you'll meet. He usually has at least half a dozen bruises, scrapes or cuts on him at all times and I usually don't hear about them when they happen because he just brushes it off and keeps running/jumping/exploring. Occasionally if he is REALLY bloody he'll ask for a band-aid. But he'll be the first one to TELL you when he is grumpy. When he "just feeling GRUMPY!!!" you'll want to make sure not to look him directly in the eye or ask him any questions. He just needs his space. Typical man waking up, right? I have to try hard to cover my laughing or smiling face when he is bruiting around with his grumpy face or he'll just grump whine at me. So ridiculously cute.
J2- Our new baby came into the world just magically. So easy. My easiest birth (and, actually, my longest birth as well!), even though J1's birth was pretty straightforward and magical as well.... it was short and intense. She decided she wanted to stay inside me for a good long while too. She decided she wanted to be born in the caul. Which means that her water bag never broke and she came out inside of it. They say that this means that she will have good luck, be blessed, and be intuitive. I think she has all 3 on her side. She never really cried when she was born. She pinked up nicely and was breathing great, but just looking around. The first time she opened her eyes it was to look at her brother and sister. And she hasn't stopped looking. Checking everything out. During her newborn exam the midwife said she just gazed up at her the whole time. Taking everything in. And take it all in she does. When she was a week and a half old she was taken to Children's hospital and had to be put on a ventilator for some serious pulmonary hypertension as the result of heart defects that had not yet been diagnosed. She'll need open heart surgery and I just know she has the spunk in her that all us McCoys have. She'll do great. I can't wait to see her personality flourish and see how different and how similar she is to her brother and sister. Who she already knows and loves deeply.... she smiles at them more than she smiles at me. It warms my heart. She is such a special girl.
Mama- I've been through a lot lately, but taking every opportunity I can to breathe in my blessings and breathe out anything that doesn't serve me. I love that visual. Breathing in the good and breathing out the junk that we all tend to hold onto unnecessarily. I used to say that a lot in my yoga classes and I'm *sure* once I start teaching again in a few weeks I'll be saying it once again. It was so lovely to teach yoga until 42 weeks pregnant... I experienced teaching on a whole new deeper level when I was WHERE the mamas were. I really was able to connect with students and it's so so fun to see them all in baby yoga now... which J2 LOVES and which is SO good for her and her heart!! Just taking it one moment at a time and feeling the support and love around me and giving myself grace if my house isn't as clean as it was before J2 or I can't get craft projects together for the big kids like before, or can't take them places.... I'm just happy j1 and r have each other because they get along when I'm just chilling with the babe and for that I am SO grateful. I like to think they see my heart, wide open for them, and on days when I am not stressed and don't get grumpy at them.... they seem to just play and get along just fine most of the day. I definitely think parents' moods rub off on their kids. So I constantly keep mine in check.
That's all for now. We'll see if I am *actually* back to blogging, or if this was just a passing moment.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)