in a strange place

Yesterday I read something from a caring bridge site that I keep updated on that took my breath away.  A mom that I "met" (meaning we emailed back and forth several times and follow each other on caringbridge) posted that her daughter is having open heart surgery tomorrow.  Her second open heart surgery.  

Her little girl was born just 2 days before June.  two days.  And has the *exact* same heart defect.  And is also the 3rd child for her family. And has the same cardiologist.  And the same surgeon.  And had her first open heart surgery a week after June.  Our journeys are/were freakishly similar.  Now, this little girl is facing another surgery and I am praying SO hard for her AND her family knowing how freaking hard it is because I've been there.  And so has she.  

I am struggling because I feel grateful, so so grateful, that we were told that we don't have to go back to the cardiologist for a year and are off all heart meds.  But at the same time I feel so upset and frustrated that this little girl doesn't.  I know we can not compare, that every journey is different.  I guess because everything was so similar up until now I am just feeling grateful it's not us, but then guilty that I feel that, and then.... I don't know.  It's just weird!  

I am praying so hard for this little girl and that this is IT for her.  She won't even need surgery as an pre-teen (which is something we may have to deal with).  That she will grow faster and just get back to being a little almost one year old like *that*.  

Anyway... it's a really strange place for me to be in.  So many emotions.  Guilt for being glad it's not us.  Pain and agony for this family as I can not even FATHOM going through it AGAIN right now.  Anyway, this blog isn't really being shared, so I doubt anyone will even read this, but please pray for this little girl.  And her momma too.  I want to reach out to her- bring a meal, or whatever she needs.  But I feel like maybe I'm not the best person for that.  But oh- this one is just really messing with me.  

Lindsay

My Goal as a Parent.

I posted this photo on facebook the other day:

And with it I wrote this:

It's not easy raising strong, self assured kids. But my role is not to raise obedient children, but to grow happy, competent adults who can think for themselves. It's a long road to get there.

Although this photo is specifically talking about females, I do think that it applies to both my son and my daughters.  Let me preface this post by saying that this is not to say that I think it's fine and dandy if my children scream in my face or are rude and demanding to me.  I do think it is important to teach kids how to be productive members of society, and being rude and demanding is probably not going to get you your way very easily.  So, it is a constant learning curve in how do I teach my kids how to be productive members of society without extinguishing that brightly burning light inside of them.

THAT is what I like about this photo and quote.  We all have gifts.  My daughter is a DEEP feeler.  Everything is a very.big.deal. for her.  She is also a leader and likes to create elaborate games and fantasies and tell everyone what their role is in her fantasy.  Were I to tell her that she was "too emotional" or that whatever the latest drama was was "not a big deal."  (When it very much IS a big deal to her!) I really feel like I would be telling her that the way she is, is not okay.  We need deep feelers in our world.  She is going to feel so deeply about something someday and going to change the world because of it.  She is going to embrace her feelings instead of shoving them down (like I have the tendency to do).  Sometimes, as an adult, we get overwhelmed by our kids strong feelings, or strong bossiness, etc.  For a lot of kids it's hot or cold... no medium.  They are either VERY happy or VERY angry or VERY sad.  Tantrums are not a child trying to be bad, they are an emotional outburst.  Imagine feeling the most angry you have ever felt in your life and not having any tools to deal with it.   It is our job, as parents, to teach our kids the tools.  To hone their skills for the good.  The "bossy" girl? Teach her how to be a leader!  That "emotional" girl?  Teach her how to use her emotions to have empathy for others.  We need to look for the good in our children and teach them how to use their uniqueness!

My kids are really obsessed with super heroes right now, so forgive the superhero example.  Superheroes have a lot of awesome qualities, right?  Who wouldn't want to be able to fly, have super human strength, a hammer that nobody else can pick up (That would be Thor.... I'm learning right along with my kids about this stuff), or how about the power to travel through time?  There are a lot of really cool powers!  BUT, with great power, comes great responsibility.  SO, we teach our vivacious, strong, feisty, deep feeling, delegating (MY OLDEST!!) children how to use these traits for good.  So they don't turn into Doctor Octopus or some other super villian.   Doctor Octopus's poor mother.  And, at the end of the day, I'm sure she did everything she could.  We all have to do the best we can, knowing that we are never going to get everything right, all the time.  My kids will probably have to talk to a therapist someday about all the ways that I screwed them up, but my goal is to hopefully decrease the amount of time and money they will need to spend on therapy.  Lofty goal, right?

But seriously, folks, my goal is NOT to raise "good" kids.  It's to raise happy, well adjusted adults (with minimal therapy bills).  Yes, I am going to try to teach them how to use their "powers" for good. But, that takes a TON of gentle instruction and reminders vs. strict punishment.  It takes patience.  It takes letting kids experiencing the natural consequences of their actions and learning for themselves some hard things.  Letting them feel strong emotions.  Telling them that there is nothing wrong with those strong emotions.  Teaching them, gently, how to deal with those strong emotions in a way that does not harm other people-physically or emotionally.

Man.... being a parent sure isn't easy!  And, I do not pretend to have it all figured out or that I get it right all of the time.  There are plenty of "CALM DOWN!!!" or "STOP BEING BOSSY!!" moments, but I am trying to be mindful and remember WHY I do not want to do those things.

As always, everything is easier when we slow down, find our breathe and the present moment, turn to God.  When I do that, I am much calmer with my kids and can deal with the BIG emotions much more easily.    

XOXO
Lindsay